Our Weekend

Saturday afternoon I was heading out the door for a library and shopping trip with Chase when Aimee asked to go. I was looking forward to some time to myself (well, almost!) but I agreed, because sometimes going out with the older kids is a nice treat, too. However when I called out into the backyard to tell Dave Aimee was going along, Drew came running in announcing he wanted to go, too, followed by Dave who was trying to figure out what was going on. Dave started to tell Drew he had to stay home, when poor Drew started crying and implored, "I just want to be with you, Mommy!" I have a hard time denying that kind of request, and I was just going to remind Aimee that she had gone with me last time, when Ryan piped up that he was going, too. Dave was considerably less than thrilled, because he could see that I wasn't going to be able to refuse any of them, and he's not so unfeeling that he could just watch me go out the door with all four kids - in short, he knew he was going to have to go with us. Ten minutes later we were all in the car, and all pretty happy by that point. Dave took care of all our library business, and while we waited in the car I made some shopping lists for each of the kids (even for Ryan, who was entrusted with remembering baking powder so that I could make him the waffles he had been asking for all week!). The lists proved to be a HUGE hit when we got the store, and we had the best fun shopping together - it really was a very pleasant outing. We arrived home and made cheese fondue for dinner, which is such a fun dinner for everyone, and everyone was in great spirits by bedtime.
Sunday morning we went to church and went through the usual routine of dropping the kids off at their respective classes - Aimee dashed off to hers, I took Drew to his, and Dave went with Ryan to his. If I take Ryan, there's no chance at all that he'll stay, but most often when Dave takes him, he consents pretty happily to stay and play after a few minutes, and that's what appeared to happen this time. Dave and I had missed each other that morning, though, because I didn't last anytime at all in the auditorium before I had to take Chase to the Nursing Mother's room, and thus I missed when Dave had left Ryan to go into the service. So I nursed Chase for a few minutes, and then let him play on the floor, and after a few more minutes I commented to the other mom there that it sounded like there were a few really unhappy little ones in the nurseries down the hall. I absolutely hate listening to those poor babies just screaming for what seems like forever, and I always peek out to make sure Ryan isn't one of them. We always explain to his teachers that we want to be called right away if he starts to cry or ask for us, but you never know...so I stepped out into the hall and definitely heard his cry this time. I walked to his room and the teacher was already at the door, so I asked her (just to be sure, before I poked my head in) if Ryan was crying. Rather reluctantly, she said yes, and I had the door opened in an instant for him to come out. "We were going to see if he would calm himself down," she explained, almost dissaprovingly, I thought, but in any case, I was really upset. Why is it that we have such a hard time getting people to respect our wishes in this matter? We don't want their help in "training" the kids to stay in the nursery! And while I completely respect parents' wishes to have some space, agreeing that there may be value in parents helping each other out by taking turns watching children during the service, I must object to this pressure to adhere to a system just for the sake of it. If a mother needs help and time to herself, then no one ought to fault her for it. But why are mothers amde to feel that they need to push down their instincts and "teach" their little ones to stay with complete strangers for no other reason than...than what? No one can even really say! The nursery system probably began just as mothers helping each other out, but now it has become divisive and enslaving. Anyway, I took Ryan outside to wander and play, and we had a great time together, then when the ending worship set began, we joined Dave in the auditorium. The singing was awesome, even overwhelming at one point when we singing, "Oh, How He Loves Us," a relatively new song, I think. We've sung it in church for a few weeks, and even though I think it's a little cheesy in spots, it always "gets me," and yesterday because I realized that a great deal of my struggle this year has been with fighting the reality that my dad doesn't really love me anymore, at least not the way he used to. I had said that my faith was still solid, even if my dad was leaving the very path had set me on, that it was no longer about him but about my relationship with the Lord. However I've been realizing that my spiritual life has been "stuck" these past eight months, as I've been waiting for everything to be set right again. I haven't wanted to keep going if everything - and everyone - isn't in its proper place. And much of my life, even my adult life, has been devoted to doing what my dad wanted and trying to please him, needing to please him so that I could be assured that he loved me, so I've been angry that it all that no longer matters, because he doesn't reagrd those choices as worthwhile anymore, therefore, he can't value me the way he used to. I have found some freedom in that on the one hand - I don't feel I have to explain or justify my adult decisions anymore - but one the other I think I was afraid to realize that it was time to separate my dad's love from the Father's love. In surrendering to that, I'll have to admit that my dad's love has changed, and I'll have to let it go, but then I can embrace the truth that I can go forward with a Father whose love for me will never change. Yesterday was a step forward for me in that.
And now I've spent all the kids' naptime writing this! Oh well - I needed the rest!