Book Review (And Some of My Own Rambling on the Topic)

A couple days ago I finished Pushed, a book about maternity care in the United States. Since The Business of Being Born came out, I've recommended that every woman, at least, see it in order to be aware of what's really going on with maternity care in this country (and also to be aware of why it matters!). It gives a good overview of things, packed into a reasonable amount of time. Pushed is a more detailed account of that information, requiring more mental energy and more time - but worth it for anyone remotely interested in the way babies are brought into the world in our country. I didn't love the writing style - something about it felt crowded, with names and facts almost in a jumble on the pages - but I did find it to be a sobering read, one that touched deep personal emotions of my own. I nearly cried reading about some of the births, in some instances because they paralleled some negative experiences I had myself.

I heard about the book from one of my sisters, and when I was finished, we texted back and forth a bit about it. In one text, referring to the impact medically managed birth can have on the bonding process on so many levels, she said, "It makes sense that so many moms are detached, and that detached parenting is so prevalent." I thought this was a good point, one that can help to highlight just why the birth experience matters. I truly believe what happens at birth can filter throughout the entire mothering process, and not only that, but that how birth is handled on a social level can impact parenting throughout the society. (Major disclaimer: I am NOT in any way saying that mothers who had hospital births, epidurals, cesareans, etc. don't love their children. PLEASE don't read that anywhere between the lines.)

A medically managed birth usually tells a mother that she's probably not good enough to bring a baby into the world on her own, and that her instincts aren't reliable. Furthermore, it tells her that danger is always around the corner, and that if she doesn't heed the "experts," she's putting her baby's life on the line. And finally, it robs her of the natural rush of "love hormones" that help her bond with her baby and give her that first boost of confidence as a mother. Of course there are many factors about the mother/baby relationship that can overcome this experience, and people are resilient. But in mothers individually and in our parenting style collectively we often see this lack of confidence, lack of trust in the natural process and in our instincts, and truth be told, the kind of detachment my sister mentioned.

On the other hand, the kind of birth the author calls a physiological birth, birth without unnecessary intervention, is the kind of birth that empowers a mother. She responds to her body and her baby, she reaches to the very depths of her being both physically and emotionally, and she emerges victorious, rewarded at delivery with that rush of oxytocin that helps bond her to her baby in a way that can't be duplicated. A birth experience like this tells a mother that she can do it. Obviously it doesn't mean she won't ever experience self-doubt, but it is such an important first step in her mothering journey, one I wish so many more mothers could have. I wish they could hear, from their attendants as well as from their own bodies, "You're amazing, you're capable, you're enough for this. You can do this." I wish they never had to hear things like,

"You're too small."

"You're not progressing fast enough."

"You're not pushing right."

"Screaming like that doesn't do any good [even though it's the Pitocin we gave you that's giving you those horrific and nearly unmanageable contractions]."

"[Because I don't think you're sufficient to deliver your six and a half pound baby on your own, and because I'd like to move things along by a few minutes] I'm just going to make a little cut [that I won't think about ever again but which will result in an horrible tear that will affect you for the rest of your life.]


Birth matters. The way it happens matters to women and babies, not only at delivery, but for years to come. I wish more people realized its impact and knew the truth about the negative impact medically managed birth can have. So style notwithstanding, I give a thumbs-up to this book for seeking to illuminate that truth.

Here's to Climbers!

One day last week we went to a park on a particularly nice day, and pretty soon after we got there, I was alerted to the fact that Chase had scaled the playground equipment and was perched on the very top of the tallest slide. There's nothing very noteable about this in itself, because Chase has always been a climber, with, I should add, extremely good balance. He could probably have walked on the top of the playground structure all day without incident, but it was pretty high, he's only four, and, let's be honest, other parents generally don't look upon this kind of activity very highly. So I walked over to tell him to get down, and as I did so, a couple other parents went over to him, looking anxious. I sighed inwardly, told him pointedly that he was awesome, but that we didn't want other kids climbing on top of the slide, so he needed to get down - which he did. But even as he was making his way down, one mother couldn't resist saying, without any humor in her voice, "It won't be any fun spending the summer in a cast." Then she leaned over to her daughter and hissed, "Don't you even think about it!"



Besides being completely unneccesary (I mean really, he was obeying me by getting down!), these comments struck me in an interesting way. I certainly know that life would be easier if kids never had any dangerous ideas. I also know that as a parent, it's my job to look out for the safety of my children, and hopefully to impart some sense of good judgment into their thought process as they consider these ideas. But when you have a child who is a climber, a risk-taker, an adventurer, you don't just have a kid who makes trips to the park nerve-wracking. You have a person with an adventurous spirit, the kind of person who could do and discover exciting things as he grows up.

So to Chase, who likes to see the world from on high, I say - Do think about it! Obey your parents when you're young as they seek to guard your life and limb, and listen to good counsel when you get older...but keep adventuring, keep daring, keep climbing!


Feel free to remind me of this when I post about our first broken bone.

Electronics-Free Week

This past week we went electronics-free, in part to prove to the kids (and to ourselves) that such a thing can be done, and also to try to reorganize and restart our regulation of electronics use. To be honest, it wasn't a complete blackout. I checked my mail every couple days just to make there wasn't something going on that we needed to know about (there wasn't), and when the weather took a nasty turn here mid-week, we watched the news for updates. We also used our phones. So I guess it would be more accurate to say that we had a computer game-playing, Facebook-checking, Wii-playing, and recreational TV-watching -free week, but that's awkward to say, and it seems to cause punctuation problems as well, so "Electronics-free" week just works better.

When Drew told one of his friends in the neighborhood what we were doing, his friend replied incredulously, "No lights?!" We did actually keep the electricity on, of course, but I have to admit that for the first couple of days the kids acted like we were doing something just as dramatic. I'd like to say that they didn't miss it at all, but the reality is that they had some withdrawal symptoms, and, at first, asked me about every fifteen minutes if I was positively sure they couldn't watch or play. But they got over it, and eventually found their own answers to to the pressing question of "What are we going to do?"

For instance, one might

read to siblings (This isn't staged. It's an honest-to-goodness warm fuzzy moment.),

take a nap,

play a game (or at least, pull out the game and play with the pieces),

explore a park,

or just enjoy a sunny day! Ok, ok. Scarlett's week wasn't really affected by the change. I just included this because she's cute!

And actually, they all probably would have done most of these things anyway. Their days were already varied, with plenty of reading and outdoor play. But removing the possibility of glowing screens did encourage more periods of quiet and family time, and, so that I'm not just knocking the kids here, gave me chance to reevaluate what the necessity of being "connected" all the time. Our world kept turning just fine without knowing what was going with everyone and everything in every corner of the outside world, and, even more humbling, no one suffered even a little by not knowing what was going with us on a daily basis.

This weekend we lifted the ban, but are doing so gradually, hoping not to lose a healthy sense of perspective on those glowing screens.

Excuse Me?

Speaking of the very distant future, I find it disconcerting when it becomes the present, such as when a certain child in the house says, "I'm done with 5th grade, so that means I'll be in 6th grade when school starts again!"

Wait - what? 6th grade?

It gets worse. "And then I'll get to be in youth group!"

In what? Are you kidding?

It seems that most churches with youth groups start at 6th grade these days rather than 7th (not that one year would change my feelings about this much), so it's not as though this is unusual. And I really enjoyed being in youth group in my day - for the most part. I appreciated youth pastors and leaders and still do (so if any of the ones I know happen to be reading this, don't take it personally!). But now as a mom of a rising...6th grader, I find I have no great love for the idea of youth group at church, and I find myself in an uncomfortable position. On the one hand, I remember being ready to enter this exciting yet bizzare subculture of the church, and I know I would have been livid to have been refused entry, so I completely understand my own child's feelings about it. On the other hand, philosophically, I don't think it has a place in our family philosophy. Of course, it makes sense to have grounded kids from relatively good families available to be good influences on those who might need them. But it also makes sense that that which is innocent can only be made less so, not really the other way around. And let's say that all the kids in a particular youth group are already grounded kids from relatively good families...they're still just a mob of preteens and teens (of all ages!). Maybe a good mob as teenagers go, but still!

I'm struggling. I have a feeling it gets steadily worse from here!

Sometime in the Very Distant Future...

Earlier this week Scarlett had an ear infection and wasn't inclined to nap for a couple of days. Pretty much at all. This was rather stressful, so you can imagine my...um...slight annoyance when she fell asleep one afternoon and seemed put-down-able, but just when I eased her chubby sweet -sleeping - self onto the bed, one of my other children began calling me from downstairs.





Oh, please recognize that I'm not answering you immediately for a reason. And please stop calling my name. No, PLEASE PLEASE do not go into every single room of the house shouting, "MOM?!" until you find me! And oh, for the sake of all that's good and merciful, please don't come up the stairs..."





"Oops, sorry! Did I wake her up?"





This was one of those moments when I thought, "Oh, for the day they stop doing this kind of thing," and, of course, I immediately reminded myself that when that day comes and I do have an empty nest, it's just the kind of thing I'll probably miss. There are a host of other moments like these that I'm sure I'll miss as well when I reach those empty nest days. (Although technically, I think you have to stop having children for this ever to be a possibility...)





One day I'll be taking a shower and realize I have nothing at all to think about, because no one will be pounding on the door, asking for my immediate assistance in sorting out the philosophical issue of who the greatest Batman villian is. That will be sad.





One morning I'll wake up and realize that I feel strange. Almost...rested. No one will have awakened me at midnight needing the solution for what's to be done when one's feet are too cold out of the covers, but too hot underneath them. Not sure how I'll cope with a full night's sleep.

One day I'll be looking over my bank statement and marvel at how much money is NOT going to Wal-Mart and Kroger each week. That will truly be unfathomable.





Speaking of groceries, the silence will be deafening when there aren't five voices (ok, well four, but the other one asks in her own way) clamoring, "I'm hungry! Have we had breakfast already? What's for lunch? Do we get dessert? What can I have for a snack? Well, when CAN I have a snack?" every fifteen minutes.





When I do have to go to the store, I might feel lost, and just stare at the short list not really comprehending that I won't have to navigate my way through the aisles with an oversized cart, saying things like, "No, we're not buying that. Please get back in the cart. Please get back in the cart. Please get back in the cart. (On a repeating loop until the parking lot, at which time it changes to, "Get out of the cart and into the car. PLEASE.") Why yes, they ARE all mine, and yes, I DO have my hands full. And then under my breath, "Why how clever you are to observe that the last thing I need is another one? What if I LIKE them?"

Because I do, of course, and one day I will miss loud voices, bottomless stomachs, burning questions about superheroes and their villains, finding spaghetti noodles on the floor (a day or two later), fetching certain little boys off a top library shelf under the fierce gaze of a librarian, sorting out impossible situations in the middle of the night, and never getting to the bottom of the laundry pile.

One day!

Catching Up, Part 2

I felt like my last post was rather disjointed - getting rusty is what comes of going over a month without writing - so I want to tie up a few loose ends and make a couple additions.

First of all, I hope that what came across was simply that health and wellness is not a luxury. It's not just ok, but it's actually good and worthwhile pursuit for women and mothers (and men, too, of course). That pursuit doesn't have to involve eliminating dairy (which food food group isn't evil in and of itself) or starting a course of medication (which certainly may not be for everyone). Those steps have been part of what has been working for me. Happier, healthier me = happier, healthier family. My encouragement for other mothers is to shed the guilt and do what works for them to acheive this same equation. (And on a related note, Hannah has some great encouragement and tips on the subject of clothing, another area I've been inspired to work on, but which I'll let her do the writing! I also can't get close to her sense of style, so her pictures will be ever so much more inspiring than any I could take.)

Second, April was good in many ways, but there were some low points as well. Our trampoline finally bit the dust, and while this may sound trivial, it truly is sad news. That trampoline was one of the best things we ever purchased, because I'm not exaggerating when I say that the kids never grew tired of it, and would spend hours each day on it. When we took it down a couple weeks ago, it was only a short time before the boys started bouncing off the walls and the furniture, and I could almost literally feel the pent-up energy building within them, energy that would ordinarily be burned off on said trampoline. So I'm mourning its demise as much as the kids are, and I don't think it's too frivolous a request to be praying for a new one. Soon. Please?

Other bad news - and this really is a problem - is that the tenants in our house in SC moved out, suddenly and without intending to tell us. One of our neighbors alerted us to the situation, and we eventually got to the bottom of things. But the fact remains that we didn't collect April's rent, there obviously won't be any for May, and the house is now empty. And we are 500+ miles away and not exactly sure of how to proceed. It's one of those times that's so bad that we're beyond panic mode, and can only view it as an interesting turn of events, an opportunity for God do something we obviously haven't thought of yet. So. We'll see what happens in that area!

Catching Up

It's been far too long since I've posted anything. It hasn't been for lack of ideas - I've had plenty. It could have something to do with a little sweetums who is getting busier every day and who just said "mama" (or was is "Mama" with a capital "M"? Let's say it was!) for the first time yesterday. She was up until 11:30 last night practicing the new addition to her vocabulary, and it was so charming I didn't at all mind doing nothing at all but listen to her. And of course there are four other kiddos around - who would each one object to being called my "sweetums" but who still are! - who have kept me occupied, particularly as we feverishly try to wrap up our school year. We operate on a year-round calendar, but there is still something about the springtime that makes us long for a sense of closure.




At any rate, I missed chronicling any of our April, and it would be hard to recap everything, even if that's what you were all dying to read (which I rather doubt!). Some of the highlights: Ryan and Chase acquired two guinea pigs, which was exciting for everyone, and my parents and nephew came to visit over Easter weekend, also quite exciting. April was also a good month for my health and overall well-being, and I think it's on this topic that I'll round things out for now.

Several months ago I began toying with the idea of going dairy-free for Scarlett's sake. She was colicky as a newborn, and always more congested than I thought she should be. She grew out of her fussiness after a couple months, but the congestion continued to be a problem for her, and after eliminating several possible allergens as suspects, I thought it might be a good idea to cut back on my dairy consumption. I finally began doing so after the turn of the new year, and I noticed an improvement for her fairly quickly. After several fits and starts, I really buckled down and eliminated all dairy, including things like whey and casein, a couple months ago. The results were good for Scarlett, but even more terrific for me. I felt healthier and more energetic than I had in a long time, and as a bonus, I quickly dropped 20 pounds, finally dipping below my prepregnancy weight and edging pretty close to my pre-children weight. Whether this successful experiment triggered a quest for better health, or just coincided with the other steps I took towards that end, I don't really know, but at any rate, I also began running, using the Couch to 5k program, and I also went to the doctor to get some things taken care of. While there I discovered that my Vitamin D levels were horribly deficient, so I began to remedy that, with noticeable results.

And I also began taking Zoloft. I'm reluctant to mention it in one sense, because I don't want to come across as trying to be sensational or to have everyone join in a great pity party for me. But in another sense, I don't want to hide it, because there's a stigma against treating mental and emotional health, and while I know there's a balance here, I think women and mothers (in particular) tend to accept dysfunction for themselves in this area, all the while feeling guilty about it - and I don't think this is healthy. Of course I prefer taking natural routes toward health where possible, and I'm not advocating pill-popping. I know there are nutrition and lifestyle choices that are often better than pharmaceuticals for anxiety and other emotional issues. I've spent a long time coping with anxiety that has been almost crippling at times, I've learned how to cope in many ways, and I'm grateful for those skills. In fact, a few years ago I was diagnosed with severe OCD, and I realized then how much victory I had actually had over it throughout my life, which was a blessing. But I really felt it was time to explore options that might help me go past just coping, and my doctor here agreed. That was in March, and the medication really began to start working in April. So far it's exceeded my expectations, and I've enjoyed a sense of better emotional and mental health along with improved physical health. So April was a really great month for me personally!


But the best result here is that all this doesn't just mean I get to sit around in smaller clothes and feel good about myself just for kicks. There seem to be two opposing poles where it concerns women's well-being - One, in which you should do whatever makes you happy and completes you as a person, at whatever cost to anyone else; and the other, in which your family is paramount and thinking of yourself at all is selfish. I think there's a middle ground, which encompasses taking care of oneself as part of looking out for one's family. I'm not talking about doing whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want - I'm just talking about achieving a sense of well-being. Everyone benefits from a healthy, happy mother who carves out a little time to feel and look well - especially the girl in the house who is nearly as tall as her mother and who is rapidly approaching young womanhood! I want her to feel that health and peace are things she can always seek for herself as well, so that she can do whatever God calls her to do, even and especially if it's raising and nurturing more young minds, souls, and bodies, to the best of her ability.