The Light at the End of the Tunnel - and the Collapse That Blocked It!

Last week we experienced some major setbacks in the house purchase, and because I was already stressed and packing-weary, as well feeling a little under the weather, I decided (a much calmer word for what actually transpired!) to come to my Mom's for a break. I came Tuesday evening and only meant to stay for a day or two, but it's Saturday and we're still here! I like to tell myself that I'm trusting the Lord for the situation with the house and the move, but I've still been experiencing a good deal of general anxiety (though much less and less often since I've been with my Mom), so perhaps I have not fully given this all over to Him. I think I'm ready to go back home and tackle the packing again, though, and praying for perfect peace and contentment, in the midst of this and of everything else going on. After taking a steaming bath in my sister's garden tub earlier in the week, and again after the facial my Mom sent me to get yesterday, I realized just how tense I've been and how crummy our days have been lately. I want to change that, but there are all these things and emotions we need to sort through first, I think. I hope that the move, which is now scheduled for later next week, will be the first step - if it will ever happen. :-)

Our Weekend

Saturday afternoon I was heading out the door for a library and shopping trip with Chase when Aimee asked to go. I was looking forward to some time to myself (well, almost!) but I agreed, because sometimes going out with the older kids is a nice treat, too. However when I called out into the backyard to tell Dave Aimee was going along, Drew came running in announcing he wanted to go, too, followed by Dave who was trying to figure out what was going on. Dave started to tell Drew he had to stay home, when poor Drew started crying and implored, "I just want to be with you, Mommy!" I have a hard time denying that kind of request, and I was just going to remind Aimee that she had gone with me last time, when Ryan piped up that he was going, too. Dave was considerably less than thrilled, because he could see that I wasn't going to be able to refuse any of them, and he's not so unfeeling that he could just watch me go out the door with all four kids - in short, he knew he was going to have to go with us. Ten minutes later we were all in the car, and all pretty happy by that point. Dave took care of all our library business, and while we waited in the car I made some shopping lists for each of the kids (even for Ryan, who was entrusted with remembering baking powder so that I could make him the waffles he had been asking for all week!). The lists proved to be a HUGE hit when we got the store, and we had the best fun shopping together - it really was a very pleasant outing. We arrived home and made cheese fondue for dinner, which is such a fun dinner for everyone, and everyone was in great spirits by bedtime.
Sunday morning we went to church and went through the usual routine of dropping the kids off at their respective classes - Aimee dashed off to hers, I took Drew to his, and Dave went with Ryan to his. If I take Ryan, there's no chance at all that he'll stay, but most often when Dave takes him, he consents pretty happily to stay and play after a few minutes, and that's what appeared to happen this time. Dave and I had missed each other that morning, though, because I didn't last anytime at all in the auditorium before I had to take Chase to the Nursing Mother's room, and thus I missed when Dave had left Ryan to go into the service. So I nursed Chase for a few minutes, and then let him play on the floor, and after a few more minutes I commented to the other mom there that it sounded like there were a few really unhappy little ones in the nurseries down the hall. I absolutely hate listening to those poor babies just screaming for what seems like forever, and I always peek out to make sure Ryan isn't one of them. We always explain to his teachers that we want to be called right away if he starts to cry or ask for us, but you never know...so I stepped out into the hall and definitely heard his cry this time. I walked to his room and the teacher was already at the door, so I asked her (just to be sure, before I poked my head in) if Ryan was crying. Rather reluctantly, she said yes, and I had the door opened in an instant for him to come out. "We were going to see if he would calm himself down," she explained, almost dissaprovingly, I thought, but in any case, I was really upset. Why is it that we have such a hard time getting people to respect our wishes in this matter? We don't want their help in "training" the kids to stay in the nursery! And while I completely respect parents' wishes to have some space, agreeing that there may be value in parents helping each other out by taking turns watching children during the service, I must object to this pressure to adhere to a system just for the sake of it. If a mother needs help and time to herself, then no one ought to fault her for it. But why are mothers amde to feel that they need to push down their instincts and "teach" their little ones to stay with complete strangers for no other reason than...than what? No one can even really say! The nursery system probably began just as mothers helping each other out, but now it has become divisive and enslaving. Anyway, I took Ryan outside to wander and play, and we had a great time together, then when the ending worship set began, we joined Dave in the auditorium. The singing was awesome, even overwhelming at one point when we singing, "Oh, How He Loves Us," a relatively new song, I think. We've sung it in church for a few weeks, and even though I think it's a little cheesy in spots, it always "gets me," and yesterday because I realized that a great deal of my struggle this year has been with fighting the reality that my dad doesn't really love me anymore, at least not the way he used to. I had said that my faith was still solid, even if my dad was leaving the very path had set me on, that it was no longer about him but about my relationship with the Lord. However I've been realizing that my spiritual life has been "stuck" these past eight months, as I've been waiting for everything to be set right again. I haven't wanted to keep going if everything - and everyone - isn't in its proper place. And much of my life, even my adult life, has been devoted to doing what my dad wanted and trying to please him, needing to please him so that I could be assured that he loved me, so I've been angry that it all that no longer matters, because he doesn't reagrd those choices as worthwhile anymore, therefore, he can't value me the way he used to. I have found some freedom in that on the one hand - I don't feel I have to explain or justify my adult decisions anymore - but one the other I think I was afraid to realize that it was time to separate my dad's love from the Father's love. In surrendering to that, I'll have to admit that my dad's love has changed, and I'll have to let it go, but then I can embrace the truth that I can go forward with a Father whose love for me will never change. Yesterday was a step forward for me in that.
And now I've spent all the kids' naptime writing this! Oh well - I needed the rest!

Spirited Children

Regarding dealing with those spirited children...Tips? Techinques? We certainly haven't landed on anything spectacular or brilliant; I think it just worked out that we both realized that Aimee was very tired at the time, and we both kept our cool (lots of deep breaths!). And actually, walking away was part of the solution on that occasion! This was the flow of events, at any rate - As she was being put to bed Aimee made a request that was denied for very specific reasons (it wasn't that Dave, who was on doing the bedtime routine that night, just didn't feel like making the effort to grant it). At this she began to demand to see me, and Dave told her that I was nursing Chase to sleep and would come to her shortly. This was not well-recieved, and tantrum behavior ensued. Dave gave her several warnings and attempted to calm her, but in the end he had to take her reading time away (funny - some children have to be coerced into reading, but for Aimee NOT being able to read is the worst possible consequence). I won't go into all the details of the noisy behavior that was on display as I finally walked back to her room, but I will say that it was the kind that doesn't lead inspire happy, snuggly kind of feelings in a parent, and my natural tendency would have been to walk in with the "What in the world is going on in here?" attitude. But I've been reflecting lately on how I would feel if every time I cried or had my own grown-up version of a tantrum, Dave berated me by telling me how ridiculous or selfish I was being. I have a little more self-control, of course, and I have to help Aimee develop that as well, but there she was crying and in real distress, so I just gave her a good hug without saying anything for a few seconds. Another reason for this is that I've tried to offer more "free" hugs in general, after reading in The Out-of-Sync Child about how that kind of firm pressure is good for kids with SI Dysfunction. It does indeed seem to help to reorganize my kids when they seem to be flying apart. At any rate, after the hug the crying stopped, doubtless because Aimee thought I was sympathizing with her situation. :-) When I began talking, she was not quite so pleased anymore, and after a few minutes of quietly explaining (again) the reasons for what was happening, I gave her a kiss and said I was sorry she couldn't understand, but that it was time for her to go to bed. She threatened that she was going to scream all night. Dave and I both told her firmly but gently that she was not going to do that, and then we left. Sometimes this kind of scene has to be repeated a few times, but this time, she actually just went to sleep. I think what really helped in this instance is that there was no power-struggle - it wasn't about us being right and trying to make her admit that - and that because we remained calm, we were able to impose reasonable consequences and to confindently stand our ground (because we weren't second-guessing a knee-jerk reaction). Easier said than done, right? :-) It doesn't always work so smoothly for us, to be sure! But I found the aforsaid book The Out-of-Sync child to be extremely enlightening in understanding Aimee (and also Drew, who definitely has some SI dysfunction on the other end of the spectrum), and since reading it, I've been able to develop some much more effective discipline stragegies.

Vikings and Volcanoes

Two very cool and exciting topics this week! We even made a volcano with the usual vinegar and baking soda lava, which impressed the kids, although Drew thought it would have been more exciting to use matches and somehow blow the clay mountain apart for real. :-) Next week I am packing all the school things up and it will be a couple weeks before they emerge again, so this has been a fun week to end things on.

But speaking of volcanos... Aimee's issues have been improving in the last couple months so that things have been much more tolerable for everyone; interestingly, this has been in the midst of a time I would consider pretty stressful and I would have thought might have actually made things worse. At any rate, we had backed off the counseling/therapy path for a time, and had stopped talking about different school options. But this week, as I mentioned before, all the kids have been acting a little like they've been let loose out of cages, and last night Aimee's behavior in particular culminated in an explosive episode the likes we haven't seen in some time. Fortunately we hadn't forgotten the things we've learned in dealing with all that, and it went as well as it could have. But it reminded me that I will need to get back on top of things soon after we move - maybe not a strict schedule (just too stressful and exhausting to keep that up), but definitely more structure and less flexibility.

Of course structure is nothing I can even think about now. We are living among a maze of boxes, and the packing is tiring, as well as seemingly endless! :-)It seems like I work and work and work, only to turn around and see what looks like the result of an explosion - where is all this stuff coming from? And why is something irrestible to little eyes and hands just because it has been put into a box? If I don't tape up a box quickly, they start pillaging like the Vikings we've been reading about! I'm excited about the move and so happy everything is turning out well, but I am already so tired! Not looking forward to the work that will just escalate in volume and intensity next week.

Memories...and the Amazing Brains That Hold Them

(The HOUSE - all is well this week! Things are proceeding according to plan, and even though there were a few hitches yesterday, they've all been ironed out, and we are still on schedule to close on both houses in two weeks. We were all feeling excited again last night - the light at the end of the tunnel grows larger every day!)

Yesterday morning I was having breakfast with Aimee and Chase (the boys were, uncharacteristcally, sleeping in) and we heard something on the radio about "The Price is Right." I was telling Aimee about my most vivid memory of that game show; namely, the time I was in second grade and home from school because of unusually cold weather, and I was watching it with my mom. As we watched, the program was interrupted to show the launch of the Challenger space shuttle, and thus I witnessed the demise of the same. I told Aimee that even at the memory, I still have that slightly sick feeling in my stomach we often get when watching disasters those kinds of disasters unfold. Drew had come in as I was telling this, and we began talking about something they might have seen in their lifetime that would have had a similar impact on them (this really wasn't as dark a discussion at it seems! we were actually having a neat sharing time). I asked if they remembered Hurricane Katrina, because I know they had watched some of that coverage with me, and Aimee at first wasn't sure, but Drew immediately piped up, "Yeah, there was that city underwater! You remember," he prompted Aimee, "all the water came because of the lake." I was puzzled for a moment, but then a memory hit me - watching someone on CNN explain how Lake Pontchartrain compounded the disaster. Then I was completely astounded that Drew, who was just 3 at the time, could still remember that! Aren't their little minds incredible?!?!?!

A HUGE Mistake!

At about 7 this evening I realized today's date - and with horror, instantly realized that I had not done anything for my mother on her birthday! I had thought of getting together with my sisters and doing something really nice for her this year (since on the whole this has been one the worst, if not THE worst, years of her life), but then the month wore on, and evidently I've been terribly behind. I've left her a couple messages, but I feel so awful, and I wonder if there's any way I can possibly make it up. :-(

Holding My Tongue...and Exercising My Faith

I was, as usual, relaxing in the glider in the nursing mother's room at church this morning (and listening to the "talk" through the speakers - a very laid-back way to enjoy the service, let me tell you!), when I was joined by a young mom with a relatively new baby. She began to nurse her little one, but it sounded as though the baby was struggling at it a little. The mom didn't seem bothered, but also didn't nurse the baby very long before she got up and changed the baby's diaper. When she was finished she sat down again and began nursing on the other side, which gave me a full view of the baby's position. The baby was having more difficulty, and I could see quite plainly why, but I spent the next few minutes resisting the urge to tell her what she could do to fix the problem. Of course that would have been really obnoxious, and I suppose is the kind of thing that leads some experienced mothers to become elderly ladies who feel they need to share their unsolicited opinion and advice at every opportunity (we have a prime example of this in my family already!). Dave agreed when I told him about this later, but he also joked that I might feel really guilty if I see this young mom giving her baby a bottle next week! I suppose there might have been a way I could have begun a pleasant conversation that could have wound its way to breastfeeding...and there might have been some remote chance that the mom might have been interested in pursuing my expertise on the subject - but I didn't, and she probably wasn't. So I have scored in keeping my opinion to myself on this occasion, which hopefully will serve me well when I am old. :-) Not everyone needs to know what I think - or even what I know - and I hope to remember that later in my advanced years.
Now that I have spent an entire paragraph writing about something other than the h-word, I can't help coming back to it again. I spent all weekend cleaning things up so that I could get around to some packing. I am pleased to say that I am in a fairly upbeat frame of mind about it all, and I am feeling confident about getting the house as well. Dave was siezed with my worry bug from earlier this week, so we spent way too much time talking about it this weekend, but it actually had the surprising effect of increasing my faith. I had asked the Lord earlier in the week that if things were going to fall through with the Lexington house, he would have mercy on us and let it happen last week. So when last night came and this morning dawned with no bad news or even the slightest setback all week, I was ecstatic. It's not as if God has to operate by my timetable, of course, and it may be that he has plans he has chosen to reveal to me later, but I really feel he answered my prayer and that all will be well with our purchase of that house. Our fate is not in the hands of the underwriters after all (and who ARE those people anyway? Are they people who really move among us? Has anyone known anyone whose job is that of an underwriter for a lending institution?!), and even if our financial situation is such that they would ordinarily cluck their figurative tongues after reviewing our bank statements and withdrawal their approval of our loan, I believe that this time, they won't - that this time, they will be moved to continue their approval. (That was a sentence of almost Jane Austen-worthy length and complexity, wasn't it?) I am saying before all of you (all three or four of you, my dear and faithful readers!) that I believe God will do this for us! When you think of us in this, pray this with me! Next week I hope I will be telling you of God's faithfulness in our particular situation.
The baby has at least drifted off to sleep, so away I go to pack, pack, and pack some more!

The Making of Beds

Regarding making beds...I want to stress that it's important to me in my house. Other people's unmade beds don't bother me, and actually I feel a sense of relief at knowing this is something people commonly leave undone. :-) Can I "let go" and leave them unmade here? Well, I have this week; I have, in fact, totally let everything in the house go. I had a major meltdown Wednesday evening (when Dave arrived home very late from work and I was stressing about whether our home loan would go through and if it did, how I was going to pack when I couldn't even get the beds made, etc. etc.) Since then I have just let everything fall where it will, and Dave has been the only one to wash any dishes. However, I have recovered, and while I have deemed it theraputic to let everything go for a time, I have now decided that time is up. I am putting everything back together today, and revelling in the feeling of warm soapy water cleaning dishes and the sound of the vacuum eliminating the accumulated dirt around the house (and the kids are helping a little, as they are usually good at doing). We've tucked in nuggets of formal education here and there, and I am feeling altogether less a failure and much less panicked about the house thing. I'm going to the LLL of NC Conference the first weekend of November, and ever since I decided to go, I've been praying that the Lord would allow us to be in Lexington so that I can ride up with my friends there. We are scheduled to close the week before, so I think I can continue to trust him for that, however He wants to work it out.
On a random note...I was putting the boys to bed last night, and I heard the funnniest Bible story! I was telling them a story myself, but Ryan soon interjected, "And, and, and GOD...God went into the water, and there was a shark....and the shark ATE God....and the shark went to the land, and Ptooey!...he spit God out." "What?" I said, laughing. "Where did you hear that?" Drew told me that Ptooey was a part of Daddy's retelling of Jonah, so I gathered that this was Ryan's rendition of the story. Even more dramatic than the original!

The Move Begins

I began packing this week, and now it looks as though the house has exploded. Sigh. And another sigh. Why is it that as soon as turn my attention to something other than keeping everything in check, it all begins to go haywire? The kids behave as though they've been turned loose out of cages, and there seems to be no catching them any time soon, so school is becoming next to impossible. I am trying to get another couple of weeks in - and to make it meaningful, rather than just tossing them a math page or cramming in whatever history we can manage here and there - but I don't know if I can do it in the middle of all this mess and chaos. I have a plan for packing, of course, and am going about it systematically, but it seems I forgot to make a plan for who would do everything else in the meantime! :-) Even as I type this, I'm looking at a cracker crumbs thoughtfully scattered all over the desk and in the keyboard. There's laundry all over the place - clean and dirty, and the beds are unmade (which is the worst housekeeping crime, second only to unwashed dishes, in my mind!). After an unsuccessful attempt to read to the kids outside (because I couldn't keep anyone's attention, and the baby was crawling all over me, probably trying to escape the dog, who kept licking him), I finally just left them to what they were doing and am now trying to get up the energy to gather them inside in a few minutes for some quiet time. I know I've been distracted (still so stressed about selling this house and buying the other one - it's awful thinking about those underwriters, whoever they are, who could, at a whim and at any given time, decide we're not worthy of another home loan after all!), so it's hard to ask anyone else to focus and keep things together, but I hope we can restore some semblance of order soon.

Taking A Sanity Break

Math today quickly became crazy, so I have sent the boys outside in order to have a moment of peace in which to nurse the baby and calm myself down. Again, at the center of the madness was a certain two year-old, although Drew's wads of gluey macaroni noodles all over the table didn't do me any good, either. :-) Ah, but that two year-old! I think he needs to spend a good amount of time with his father this weekend, which will be good for him as well as sanity-preserving for me. In fact, maybe everybody would benefit from lots of daddy time! Oh, I know this move is driving everyone crazy, though, and we'll all do better and be able to handle more when it's all over. All the same, I'm looking forward to the first weekend in November, when I'll be going to a conference in Charlotte, sans everyone but Chase. I'm sure they'll be relieved to be rid of me for couple days, too. ;-)
That's not to say that I don't really love all this madness, however, and I know these will be the memories that I'll always cherish. Sigh.