A LONG Post!

Yesterday morning I took the kids to the library, and it went fairly well, but the librarian checking us out took forever, and Ryan did try to leave without me a couple of times during the long transaction. :-) However, another librarian did come up to me during this same period of time, which really was ridiculously long, and she gave me a very nice compliment about my mothering. I don't know how close to accurate it actually was, but it was certainly a good confidence booster.

We had gone to library to get out of the way of the appraisal, so when we returned to face the long afternoon (made much longer by the fact that I had been awake, courtesy of Chase, since 5:30am and was extremely tired), I was already a little nervous waiting to hear how it went. Then Dave called to ask me to scan and e-mail some more documents we needed to get the loan together, and I was made all the more nervous when he indicated that there might be a problem because some information had been recorded wrong and the lenders were concerned about a couple of things. I didn't know, then, if that meant the entire loan was in jeopardy, so I was extremely on edge by the middle of the afternoon. But I was struck with a thought about how I was worrying - and even though I had been trying to use different words to describe my emotions, they all just amounted to worry, if I was going to be entirely honest - about a loan for an amount of money that so many of my brothers and sisters in Christ around the world would find incredibly exorbiant, and I was worrying about whether or not I would be able to own a home that contains luxuries they would never dream of, because they live in content with so much less. In fact some of them suffer, and suffer joyfully, for the kingdom, and their concerns are infinitely higher and more noble than whether or not a house appraises for the right amount or whether they'll be able to own a nice home in a nice neighborhood. I felt humbled, and thankful, at the same time, that God didn't add to this gentle reminder, "You stupid, small-minded creature, behaving like the world revolves around you!", as he certainly could have (but is so gracious that he rarely ever does this!). I have always said, too, that I dislike when people start trying to figure out the reasons for why particular things happen to them, or even what they're supposed to learn from it - as if they are at the exact center of whatever is going on, which is really rather silly if they would stop to think about it - but I have been doing just that about the house we had wanted but were denied. Maybe there was a good reason that applied just to us about why we couldn't have that house, maybe there were specific lessons to be learned, but we weren't the only people involved, so it is more likely that there were many things going on that involved all parties - and for farther in every direction than we could imagine. The amazing thing is that we aren't just pawns in each other's games, but that God is able to work out details for us individually AND continuously be weaving a much larger tapestry all at the same time. Even though all of this is barely a breath of eternity, he still cares for our limited humanity that can see only dark shadows in the glass, and gives us blessings that won't matter in the least once we "see him face to face."
So remembering that, I am much more relaxed going into this weekend, even as we are waiting for a response to an offer we put in on another house. And not a moment too soon - I think we've really been burdening the kids with all this house business. Earlier in the week Drew showed me a picture he had drawn of a house, and it was done with intense color that filled the entire page. I showed it Dave later in the evening and remarked that I thought it was a good representation of how all our house concerns have filled our thoughts and our days, and that we should probably be mindful of that around the children at least. You can imagine how impressed he was with my psychological analysis...:-) Nonetheless I thought of it yesterday when Ryan, for the second day in a row, was being uncharacteristically difficult at naptime. I couldn't lie down with him, because Chase was awake, and I was frustrated because he was vigorously protesting having to rest by himself, even though Aimee and Drew were in the room resting and listening to books on tape - an arrangement that it usually soothing for Ryan. He kept insisting (loudly!), "I need you!" and it didn't look like he was going to settle down. The day before it had taken an hour before I could get him just to rest quietly for a few minutes, and he hadn't gone to sleep at all. I had been firm, but really hadn't felt all that good about it, and I was having those same feelings yesterday. I didn't want to "give in," and my explanation that I was just outside the door and he didn't really "need me," sounded reasonable, but the fact that I was feeling I needed to justify something was a red flag. If discipline ever comes down to just insisting on being right no matter what, I don't think that's very thoughtful parenting. So I thought about his claim that he needed me. Now I know sometimes kids just know the right buttons to push, and sometimes "being difficult" just comes with the territory of being two, so I took that into consideration, but I also realized that the kids haven't really had much of me for most of the past couple weeks. The older ones have done remarkably well, but I've been distracted lately, and Ryan has had less real and thoughtful attention (or thoughtful discipline either, for that matter) than any of them. In that case I realized it wouldn't hurt anyone if I just stopped everything and rested for a minute, so I brought Chase in the room and let him play on the floor while I sat by the bed and listened to the book on tape with everyone. I held Ryan's hand and conciously relaxed my entire body, letting that flow through to him, and within about sixty seconds he was asleep and I was more peaceful as well.

So brevity is evidently not my thing, as you can see. I love to write and could write a book on something if I ever had time, although I doubt anyone would really be interested in a book on the daily minutae of raising four children!