A Very Long Musing

Well, it seems to be in the air - I read one of Hannah's recent posts detailing her conflicting feelings over their homeschooling experience, and I felt I could have written it myself. I admit, a busy weekend that included a double party for the little boys left me pretty tired by the time Monday rolled around, so that depleted my patience and tolerance levels to start with, and then Chase hasn't slept well at all any night this week, which has put a further drain on my coping resources. But still, as we've started each day this week, it has seemed that I have had to play a constant game of tug-of-war with my darlings, either because they deliberately resist me, or because by nature I must ever and always be the guiding force that hedges their wanderlust and curiosity. It has been one of those weeks in which I felt that it is simply not possible to accomplish the tasks before me - I cannot keep house, maintain harmony, teach, nuture, cook, etc. all at the same time, and with a pleasant demeanor. I have felt guilty for being impatient and snappish, but on the other hand, I have been trying to trudge several different paths all at once, dragging along people who don't want to go - a maddening endeavor! It brings me to the full realization I had a couple weeks ago, that homeschooling really isn't the ideal situation. That's not to say that I no longer believe that parents are responsible for their children's education, or that I believe it's no longer right for us specifically, just that homeschooling moms tend to have an ideal that is probably not realistic. We see that the other education options either fall short or are financially unattainable, and we feel called to homeschool, but then we try to fit that enormous full-time teaching job into the already full-time mothering job, all clothed in the beautiful garb of that industrious Proverbs 31 woman. When we cannot keep up, we feel like failures - again and again, and again. As to that woman, I believe in the first place, as I friend once shared with me, that the Proverbs 31 woman did not do all of that all at the same time, but rather that it was a kind of sequencing situation and that chapter overviews her the accomplishments of her lifetime. Second, there is no mention that she undertook the complete education of her children, while there is a reference to her household help. This also brings to mind Susanna Wesley, who, among her other accomplishements, set aside an hour of "alone time" each week with each of her 11 children. I used to feel incredibly guilty about not always being able to achieve this with my four, until I realized that she, too, very likely had servants, and her older children probably went to school. Both of those women are worthy examples whose spirit and character we would do well to emulate - in general. But I think we would do equally well to realize that as modern homeschooling moms we must make specific adjustment to our situations, and also that the situation can never be perfect - there is no true ideal. Recently my mom had lunch with an old homeschool friend whom she had always admired for her organization and morals (maybe in that order!), and was shocked to hear her friend confess a feeling of failure as a homeschooling mother. My mom had spent a fair amount of time over the years looking at her friend's family and thinking, "They're just so organized...so driven...such a neat, upstanding family...", and meanwhile the other mother was feeling frustration and defeat at times just like everyone else - not to mention it seems that things didn't turn out as "perfect" as perhaps it appeared. Of course, I'm sure this happens on countless occasions between mothers, as I've mentioned in previous posts, and it's certainly not restricted to those who homeschool, but I think it highlights the truth that we need to reminded repeatedly that there is no magic homeschooling formula that turns out perfect children (and later, their perfect adult counterparts).
So I need to remind myself again to free myself of the intense pressure under which I often labor, and to let go off the guilt that accumulates when I "fall behind." But guilt does sometimes serve a purpose, so there should be a way to determine whether change is really indicated, and I think I've been learning more about that process in recent months (that, or I have just been working very hard to rationalize my own inadequacies!). I heard someone on a radio program last year talking about women and guilt, and she suggested that instead of thinking in terms of "I should", or "I shouldn't," it would be better to think, "I can", " I will", or "I won't." Although I obviously forget to apply this principle at times, it has been helpful in general, and seems to be a good initial guilt-filter.
Of course that's all very well for my own state of mind, but there are four big, willful personalities in four little bodies that render all my personal resolve rather insignificant in the end. :-) I can, however, enforce basic limits and insist on respectful attitudes., and that's something I need to focus on as this week closes and we look ahead to another one. School - nor anything else, for that matter - can't happen when the students (student, singular in this case, if I'm being reallly honest) balk at every request.
So upward and onward! I can't do anything about the days that have passed or the things left undone. I can only start again tomorrow - hoping that there will be some sleep in between!