A Place to Go, Another Home to Create!

Our offer was accepted last night, so it looks like we now have a place to go when we leave here. We're really excited, and are now just praying that everything will continue to go well.

A LONG Post!

Yesterday morning I took the kids to the library, and it went fairly well, but the librarian checking us out took forever, and Ryan did try to leave without me a couple of times during the long transaction. :-) However, another librarian did come up to me during this same period of time, which really was ridiculously long, and she gave me a very nice compliment about my mothering. I don't know how close to accurate it actually was, but it was certainly a good confidence booster.

We had gone to library to get out of the way of the appraisal, so when we returned to face the long afternoon (made much longer by the fact that I had been awake, courtesy of Chase, since 5:30am and was extremely tired), I was already a little nervous waiting to hear how it went. Then Dave called to ask me to scan and e-mail some more documents we needed to get the loan together, and I was made all the more nervous when he indicated that there might be a problem because some information had been recorded wrong and the lenders were concerned about a couple of things. I didn't know, then, if that meant the entire loan was in jeopardy, so I was extremely on edge by the middle of the afternoon. But I was struck with a thought about how I was worrying - and even though I had been trying to use different words to describe my emotions, they all just amounted to worry, if I was going to be entirely honest - about a loan for an amount of money that so many of my brothers and sisters in Christ around the world would find incredibly exorbiant, and I was worrying about whether or not I would be able to own a home that contains luxuries they would never dream of, because they live in content with so much less. In fact some of them suffer, and suffer joyfully, for the kingdom, and their concerns are infinitely higher and more noble than whether or not a house appraises for the right amount or whether they'll be able to own a nice home in a nice neighborhood. I felt humbled, and thankful, at the same time, that God didn't add to this gentle reminder, "You stupid, small-minded creature, behaving like the world revolves around you!", as he certainly could have (but is so gracious that he rarely ever does this!). I have always said, too, that I dislike when people start trying to figure out the reasons for why particular things happen to them, or even what they're supposed to learn from it - as if they are at the exact center of whatever is going on, which is really rather silly if they would stop to think about it - but I have been doing just that about the house we had wanted but were denied. Maybe there was a good reason that applied just to us about why we couldn't have that house, maybe there were specific lessons to be learned, but we weren't the only people involved, so it is more likely that there were many things going on that involved all parties - and for farther in every direction than we could imagine. The amazing thing is that we aren't just pawns in each other's games, but that God is able to work out details for us individually AND continuously be weaving a much larger tapestry all at the same time. Even though all of this is barely a breath of eternity, he still cares for our limited humanity that can see only dark shadows in the glass, and gives us blessings that won't matter in the least once we "see him face to face."
So remembering that, I am much more relaxed going into this weekend, even as we are waiting for a response to an offer we put in on another house. And not a moment too soon - I think we've really been burdening the kids with all this house business. Earlier in the week Drew showed me a picture he had drawn of a house, and it was done with intense color that filled the entire page. I showed it Dave later in the evening and remarked that I thought it was a good representation of how all our house concerns have filled our thoughts and our days, and that we should probably be mindful of that around the children at least. You can imagine how impressed he was with my psychological analysis...:-) Nonetheless I thought of it yesterday when Ryan, for the second day in a row, was being uncharacteristically difficult at naptime. I couldn't lie down with him, because Chase was awake, and I was frustrated because he was vigorously protesting having to rest by himself, even though Aimee and Drew were in the room resting and listening to books on tape - an arrangement that it usually soothing for Ryan. He kept insisting (loudly!), "I need you!" and it didn't look like he was going to settle down. The day before it had taken an hour before I could get him just to rest quietly for a few minutes, and he hadn't gone to sleep at all. I had been firm, but really hadn't felt all that good about it, and I was having those same feelings yesterday. I didn't want to "give in," and my explanation that I was just outside the door and he didn't really "need me," sounded reasonable, but the fact that I was feeling I needed to justify something was a red flag. If discipline ever comes down to just insisting on being right no matter what, I don't think that's very thoughtful parenting. So I thought about his claim that he needed me. Now I know sometimes kids just know the right buttons to push, and sometimes "being difficult" just comes with the territory of being two, so I took that into consideration, but I also realized that the kids haven't really had much of me for most of the past couple weeks. The older ones have done remarkably well, but I've been distracted lately, and Ryan has had less real and thoughtful attention (or thoughtful discipline either, for that matter) than any of them. In that case I realized it wouldn't hurt anyone if I just stopped everything and rested for a minute, so I brought Chase in the room and let him play on the floor while I sat by the bed and listened to the book on tape with everyone. I held Ryan's hand and conciously relaxed my entire body, letting that flow through to him, and within about sixty seconds he was asleep and I was more peaceful as well.

So brevity is evidently not my thing, as you can see. I love to write and could write a book on something if I ever had time, although I doubt anyone would really be interested in a book on the daily minutae of raising four children!

Beans and Gloom

This morning I woke up early and was prepared for a good day a school, but when we started math, Ryan indicated he was going to be less than cooperative. So I thought I would give him some beans and different size bowls and let him play on a tablecloth close by. This was a novel idea and he was very interested - unfortunately, so were Aimee and Drew, so I was battling whining from them instead in very short order! When they were done with their work I made the mistake of letting them play with him, and very shortly thereafter Aimee was directing the play, which was frustrating the boys, and I was reminding her that it was supposed to just be fun preschool play, then Drew was throwing handfuls in the air, at which he was instantly removed from the cloth. But by this time Ryan was no longer interesting in quietly scooping and pouring, and was, instead, dumping bowfuls on the carpet in the living room. I had him pick them up, of course (this said to counter my mom's observation that he "gets away with alot" - well, he does, but not with everything!), but still, the activity that was supposed to help de-stress our morning definitely raised my stressed level, even though I made supreme efforts not to scold or fret. Next time, though, it will be a strictly preschool activity!
That was pretty boring, I know - but my really deep thoughts are rather gloomy this week. We lost for good the house that we put the offer on, and though I should just be thankful for the closed door, I am also having a hard time letting it go and trusting that something else will work out. It seemed so perfect, and we are beset with difficulties around any other option, of which there are actually none at the moment anyway. Ah...God is good, at any rate.

The Things They Say!

Ryan has been more impish than usual, and he knows it, too. Today he was doing some jumps and leaps I was just overlooking because I was trying to read for History, but he began calling me. I paused at a break and asked him what he wanted. He jumped in what he thought was a daring way, and therefore one he thought - very likely hoped - I would dissaprove of, then coached, "You got to say, 'Ryan, you're crazy!'" (I guess I must say that alot!) I laughed and obliged, then he replied, "Mama, you're crazy!" He's probably right!

When I was feeling so bad earlier in the week, Drew offered one of his funny moments - I walked past him as he was getting settled in to go to sleep, and he said in his very loving way, "Mommy, you're so beautiful." He says this frequently, and it is so sweet - he's going to make a great husband. But this time, he added thoughtfully, "Well, halfway beautiful. The bottom half - maybe not the top half." I was wearing pink striped pajama bottoms, and pink makes a girl beautiful in his eyes. I had to agree, though that the top half of me was not looking so hot! His honesty is endearing, though, and he's offered it once before as well. A few weeks after I had Chase he started to give me the usual beautiful comment; I could hear it in his voice. "Mommy, if you would... take your glasses off...and fix your hair...and get dressed...you'd be so beautiful!"

Aimee's moments are delivered with her signature flair and spark. She was upset about something a few days ago and wanted to call and talk to Dave about it. She got his voicemail, at which she snapped the phone shut and exclaimed with great princess contempt, "His voicemail! Where is he when I absolutely need him?!" Okay, so maybe she has heard the queen say this once or twice before!

Open Doors, Closed Doors...and Everything in Between!

I remember listening to a missionary once talk about how he came to a crossroads in his life and wasn't sure which direction he should go. As he prayed about it he decided that he would just walk through the open doors and ask God to close any that were the wrong ones. I liked that idea, and ever since, when I have the presence of mind to remember it, I have tried to follow that principle. I have found, however, that while sometimes open doors are in fact wide open, some appear closed but are unlocked - and therefore count as open because you just have to make the effort to turn the handle - and some are locked, but if you are handed a key before you walk away, they also count as open doors. So the theory becomes very muddled! The element of patience comes in, at least, and that can be hard. The point of all this is that our offer on the house in Lexington was rejected - not because another offer was accepted or because ours wasn't acceptable, but because the owners decided they aren't ready to move yet. Our offer is still on the table, though, until we find something else or until they decide they're ready, so technically the door has neither been open or closed. Hmmm. That house was going to be perfect for us in so many ways, and one way was so important that we aren't even sure if we'll be able to purchase another house right now. Renting again seems a really depressing option - I can't imagine selling our lovely little house and land just to go back to living in someone else's. Of course it could be a moot point if things don't go well with the appraisal and inspection this week, and then I won't know how to feel. If the house appraises for less than our asking price, we're in trouble for a long time - who knows when we could move! But if all proceeds well and we must make a quick decision about where to go, we might have to settle for so much less than we had hoped. So I keep coming back to that house. If only...! Yes, I know God may have a better plan. Or it could be that we who have sometimes sown idiotic decisions may finally have to reap the reward of idiots. :-) That is my fatalistic self talking, when I know that the Lord shows mercy to all and has never given us over the the full consequences of our stupidity. He has always been good to us.
So we will keep lookimg, all the while praying that He will open the door to that particular house, or that He will shed light very soon on the better path. Most of all, I am praying that He will have mercy and more mercy on us. We are all very tired and stressed, which has been telling on us this weekend. Yesterday we were all felled by the same aches-and-fever virus that Ryan must have had earlier in the week (so sorry, Jenny, if we passed this on to your household at the party - we had been free of fever for over 24 hours, so I thought we were clear). Fortunately the worst of it was over quickly, but Chase had a very bad teething episode right as my fever reached its peak. He might had the same thing we had, actually, although he never had a fever, but whatever it was had him screaming inconsolably from 9 to 10. I felt like lifting my head was a challenge at that point, but I summoned every ounce of strength and paced the floor with him, after discovering to my chagrin that he refused to nurse. Dave took turns with him, but this caused even louder screaming, and didn't seem to be doing much good other than letting me rest my throbbing head. When Chase finally succumbed to sleep in exhaustion, we went to bed, but he had similar screaming bouts off and on until after 12. So now everyone feels better but me! My fever is gone, but my head and eyes still ache, and, almost needless to say, I am still in my pajamas. I was going to try to go on with school as usual this morning, and when Ryan began waving "A Bug's Life" at me, I almost gave the standard, "No, dear, it's a school day." But reason won out and I declared it a sick day, at least for the morning!

Another offer

We have found a house we like, and we think it will work great for us, so we're placing our offer today! Another afternoon of waiting...And such an afternoon it is! Ryan has had a high fever since yesterday afternoon and didn't sleep well last night, so I am VERY tired, and he is VERY cranky. And we must just wait patiently.

THE OFFER

Well, it came this evening - the offer. It seemed really good, and our realtor said it was very good, so we accepted it... with much trepidation. We are scheduled to close October 15, and we don't have a house to move into yet!!! There are so many details, some huge, so it's hard to get really excited just yet, but this is a gigantic step forward.

Waiting...

I am so exhausted this week. Chase has been cutting a tooth and has not been sleeping very well at all, so I have been in a fog. I have also suspected that in addition to the tooth, he might just be getting hungrier, and so I have tried offering him solid food again, which he has indeed consumed with a gusto not previously displayed. :-) Maybe that, as well as the pearly white of the new tooth at last gleaming just above his gum, will help improve our nights a little. Yesterday we had to get the house ready to show - a 5:00 showing, which is a the worst time for me (so hard to keep everything together all day), and made more difficult by the fact that I just wanted to get back to bed. :-) But we did it, and it seems the family who came really liked the house, and the realtor expects them to make an offer today. My heart skipped a beat when Dave called me and told me that, and it has done so every time the phone has rung today! In light of that, we have been searching almost frantically for houses to look at down there and have been on the phone on and off throughout the day. It would really help to get a realtor with more enthusiasm, though. When we were looking here, our realtor was so wonderful and treated us with as much respect and seriousness as if we didn't have the tiny budget we did, and with some creative thinking and diligent looking she found this house for us. Now we have a bigger budget, but the realtors we've talked to so far aren't very optimistic. I think it can be done, though, and while waiting for that fateful but long-awaited call for this house, I have been praying that God would lead us down the right paths to discover the right house for us - and that everything will fall into place once we find it.

The Party

Drew is five today, and so very proud of it. For some reason, five must be a particularly exciting and enviable age to be, because Drew has made a very big deal of it for quite some time. When his cousin turned five just eight weeks ago, there was much emphasis, uncontested at that, placed on the difference in their status. I heard them conversing about it at the beach - "I'm five, you know, and you're only four," Tiernan informed him matter-of-factly. Ordinarily this would have been the kind of statement that would have inspired an argument - or a punch- but Drew calmly and almost submissively replied, "Yes, I know. But I'll be five in September!" He has asked about it almost daily, and has not been impressed by the idea that he's been getting closer to five every day. No, he is still convinced that something almost magical happens on one's birthday, so last night he was still only four, and today he is five. He did consent to having his birthday party yesterday, however, and almost all the family from both sides came. It was loud and hectic, and my sisters and I made a pact, or renewed it anyway, that we will help each other grow old with grace. I won't say much more than that on that point... Anyway, after everyone left and we were getting the kids ready for bed, there was a huge blow-up over some obscure (but new) Star Wars figure, and Drew was at the center of it. Of course we knew he was overstimulated and tired, so we were trying to make allowances for that, but he was really being difficult, and at one point I did something that wasn't harsh or rough, but was out of frustration nonetheless and made him feel unneccesarily cornered. I backed off almost immediately, but still after it was all over and he was in bed, I peeked in the door and whispered to him, "I love you Drew, and I'm sorry I didn't respect your space a little while ago," at which he quietly replied, "It's okay, Mommy. I'm the one who should be sorry - I never should have said those ugly things." I'm not making a word of that up, and if it hadn't been dark, you might have seen me melt all over the floor!

Boys and Girls

Some things actually heard here in this house full of boys: "We do NOT sit on the kitchen table in our underwear!" (sidebar: if this has been repeated every day for the past three or four years, how long does it take the male mind to process this and finally comprehend - and act on - the notion of how disgusting this is?) "Darling, if you're going to shoot at him, you can't cry when he shoots back at you." I say this, too, almost daily, but somehow when I said it this morning it seemed particularly absurd! :-) From the five year-old to his six month-old brother, who was watching in blissful adoration, "Pow, pow, pow! [actually these were much more sophisticated, and therefore difficult to reproduce in writing, shooting sounds]. Now I shot you and you have to fall down. I'll help you..." Fortunately I caught the baby in time, and it was difficult, once again, to say, "You can't do that to the baby, and no, he doesn't 'like it' ", when the baby is smiling and evidently does think it's funny!
Meanwhile, the girl in our house is ever and always one of the most self-assured and determined young females I know - she is a princess in the finest sense of the word, in that she appreciates order and beauty, but she is also bold, confident, and adventuresome. She is excellent at bending people to her will and convincing them that they like it (and if not, that really they have no choice - Drew is under this spell especially and has to be reminded that Aimee actually has no authority over him!), and I haven't the least bit of doubt that she will always be able to stand her ground in almost any circumstance. I don't worry, certainly that she could be coerced into doing anything she didn't want to do. This, of course, poses daily challenges for her parents who are trying to raise her, but I confess I can't help but admire her spirit when she adamantly refuses, for instance, to have her finger pricked at the doctor's office, and in that instance, I wasn't much of a help to the nurse.
At any rate, during our art lesson yesterday, I think this spirited individual was showing her colors and deliberately missing the point - I could see it in the smiling, but challenging gleam in her blue eyes (which, by the way, are the kind that sparkle, smolder, and do all the other descriptive things that are written about eyes in books). The idea was to take a construction paper shape, glue it onto a white piece of paper, and then draw a picture around the shape. For instance, the circle could become a scoop of ice cream in a cone, or the wheel of a car, or the head of a cat, etc. Well, Aimee loves doing things a certain way, but usually it's her way, and I could tell that she instantly bucked the very idea of drawing according to a set of instructions. She wanted to argue a little about it, but I asked her just to try, and so she picked something to draw. She drew a stick person with the circle for the head, and then drew a rather nice and much more elaborate cat NEXT to the stick person. One of the art books I have used discourages using the words "right" or "wrong," and the like, so I said some encouraging things about the picture, then gave her a square and tried to reinforce the idea again, without disparaging the first picture. She took it a little too gladly, made the square a box in a pet shop. Next to the box she drew a very good and colorful parrot. By this time I was a little stressed ( also because despite my best efforts at inspiring individual creativity, Drew was attempting to copy Aimee's work exactly, and so no one seemed to be getting the idea of the thing at all ), and I complimented everyone's work a little half-heartedly, then let them go play. I was feeling a little frustrated at the lack of creativity I had hoped to see, then I realized how ridiculous I was being. For one, that little girl was doing it on purpose, I was fairly sure, and for another, there was nothing wrong with her creativity - she had drawn a couple of animals that were really quite good. All in all, her personality beamed through, and it sure is a great one!

A Trip to the DENTIST

It wasn't actually so bad! When I told my husband I had made an appointment for Drew and Ryan, he said something like, "Yeah, well, have fun with that!", because he prefers to try to avoid any outing that might be remotely difficult (but just getting four children out of the house to go anywhere is difficult).However, they have to go sometime...so at any rate, we went. The five of us, with the baby in the stroller so that I could hold or otherwise encourage the boys if they needed it, squeezed into the exam room (or whatever they call it at the dentist!), and the hygenist suggested we start with Ryan, so I sat with him in the chair. The dentist, who is a very young and affable woman and thus perfect for the kids, came in and said hello to them - she remembered everyone from when Aimee came to meet her - and, as she did so, smiled and said hello to Chase. His mouth twitched. The hygenist, friendly and unintimidating also, said, "He's so cute!" and smiled at him as well. His face now beginning to contort, he looked at the dentist, looked at the hygenist, then turned to me imploringly and and promptly burst into tears. The hygenist offered to pick him up and try to console him so that we could get through Ryan's exam, but of course he only wailed all the harder at this attempt, so I rescued him and he was instantly quiet. It really is nice to be so desperately and completely adored by someone, so how could I possibly be annoyed by it? :-) Ryan, however, while not crying, flatly refused to open his mouth. Assuming his very best Aimee-esque, what-do-you-take-me-for look, he kept his lips practically sealed, so we all agreed to move on, and Drew moved into the chair. He settled in and mentioned once that he was more nervous than he had "ever been," but his body language totally belied that statement, because he was calm and relaxed, and remarked a few minutes later that it wasn't so bad after all. He has no cavities, and there were no other problems, so we were out quickly. So THERE, Dave!

A couple more Ryan-isms - Monday evening we were all hanging out outside, and Ryan was literally hanging on the swing set in all sorts of dangerous ways, so, naturally and very parent-like, we encouraged him to be careful. He gave us an exasperated look and said, "But I got to do my eckersizes!" However last night he must have been feeling more cautious, because when he, Dave, and Drew were wrestling, he stopped suddenly and exclaimed, "Time-out! Somebody will get hurt." I wish I could show the way he raises his eyebrows when he says these things - it really makes the moment!

Personal space, and Aimee and Drew...

This morning I went to the library for an hour by myself - Dave had volunteered to keep all four children after our usual night-before-a-hunting-trip fight. :-) It was very peaceful, and I could actually think about what I was doing, as opposed to my state of mind when I have to take everyone. For some reason my boys, even as babies, find a quiet space absolutely irresistible - "Hey, listen how my voice can totally fill the room!" - and I have never been able to land on a fool-proof strategy for coping with a two-year-old who suddenly decides he's not leaving and drops to the floor half-way to the counter in very loud protest. If I am to avoid excessive noise or other unruly behavior, I have to be so strict and precise as I move through the library and get to the check-out counter, that my nerves are pretty much exhausted by the time I get home anyway. So it was refreshing to go by myself (even without the baby, no less!).


As soon as I arrived home, with a load of books (the librarian said today that after we come to the library and pick up all our holds, she feels like she's already fulfilled so much of their circulation goals for the day that she could go home!), Dave and Drew left for the hunting field near our house to go dove hunting. I had asked him earlier in the week if he really thought Drew would make it the whole day, and he was optimistic, but I was not the least surprised when an hour and a half later, they showed up again, accompanied by the son of a co-worker who had come up to hunt with them. ("Do you mind...?") So now the kids have someone to play with today, and I think it's going well enough so far. Drew in particular is thrilled to have a boy relatively close to his own age to play with, and indeed I think it will be good for him. He's been...especially energetic lately! He's so funny about it, though, because he always has a convoluted explanation for his behavior at any given time. Usually he insists that his mind just can't control what his body wants to do (like when he feels compelled to knock his brother down or shoot arrows in the house), and when we try to talk about self-control, he starts talking about the soldiers in his brain - the good ones, who (with little success so far) try to restrain the bad ones, who, judging from the pillaging of my house on a daily basis, are Huns. Of course as he's talking - and talking and talking - about this he's no longer hearing a word I'm saying, so I'm never sure if anything is getting through! This morning as we were all waking up, Aimee, who had been next to him on the pallet in our room, commented that one of the most annoying things was Drew grinding his teeth in his sleep. He hadn't said anything up to that point, so we didn't even know he was awake, when he suddenly began explaining that he grinds his teeth when he wants to dream, etc. etc. etc. Our Drew!

This week for Aimee has been interesting. Her day Thursday made me wonder again if the therapist was right about the psychological issue she suspected, and Friday started that way again. She began to get "stuck" on a certain subject and the intensity began to grow, and as this process, although different subject, had nearly driven everyone insane the previous day, I tried to help her redirect herself early. I suggested she make a room in her mind for all those related thoughts. I had her imagine herself walk out of the room and close the door, and I told her she could open it again that afternoon. It actually worked! She has still been intense, but more manageable. On Thursday she was eating, drinking, speaking, hearing, feeling, etc. that one thing, and nothing else seemed to be getting through. It's difficult to explain this sufficiently, and maybe it is just normal seven year-old girl behavior, but it certainly does seem a little over the edge sometimes. I'm not sure what direction we'll go in, though, whether or not we'll actually see the psychologist. I felt I instantly lost support as soon as I mentioned that part of what the therapist said. So we'll see!