Wanting to Escape, but the Enemy is Within...:-)

As I mentioned in previous posts, we weathered a stomach bug here the week before Christmas, and we were happy to have put it to rest in time for an enjoyable holiday. Imagine my umpleasant surprise, then, when Drew woke me in the wee hours of Wednesday this week, calmly announcing that he had been sick His stomach was upset a few hours into the morning after that, but then we went to the health food store and bought some yogurt and acidophilus (Dave had just left for Charleston, so I had no choice but to take everyone out). My hope was that Drew had just irritated his sensitive and still recovering stomach when he had loaded up on chocolate and other treats on Christmas, and that restoring the balance in everyone's stomachs would prevent any future incidents. But very early this morning, I heard suspicious sounds in the bathroom....no, it couldn't be!!! Alas, it was Aimee succumbing yet again. The good news for me is that she is so mature and collected in this situation (which, incidentally, I think is very strange - she can't tolerate the feeling of construction paper or having her hair brushed, but she can handle being sick, one of the worst feelings in the world, I think), so there's no cleaning up after her. The bad news is that this looks like something new we're dealing with, and Ryan never experienced the first one. Can he dodge the bullet twice? It wouldn't be quite so bad if Dave weren't out of town...wait, it almost would! I simply loathe this kind of thing! :-) Besides, it seems like we've been sick almost continually since we moved, despite my efforts at boosting immuine systems and disinfecting everything. It's my great hope that the little boys will escape this time, though, since both are nursing and I'm working so hard to finally kill these nasty little bugs!

Seeking Peace

We did in fact travel up to my Mom's Sunday, after it appeared everyone was well, and the visit was a good one overall. We went to church at BCCC (the one my Dad pastored until this year) first as per my Mom's request, and that was a little uncomfortable - they have a new pastor (whom, ironically enough, we met first at the church we're attending here!), and seeing him behind the pulpit gave me the strange and unhappy feeling that the past 20 years of my life, the ones spent growing up in that church and living that reality of being the pastor's daughter, have just been a passing breeze, gone now and irretrievable. Amazing - and unsettling - that time behaves that way. But once that was over, we went to my Mom's apartment, and then to my sister's house, and it was a pleasant day. The following day, Christmas Eve, was terrible, I'm afraid, and the Christmas spirit was far, far from me, but Christmas yesterday was better, and we enjoyed staying home and just enjoying time together as a family. Now that all the craziness is over, I'm looking ahead to restoring some order in my life, and in our household. I read The Hidden Feelings of Motherhood (by Kathleen Kendall-Tackett) last week, and identified completely with the symptoms of burnout she decribes in one section, which I think helped me gain a clearer perspective on why my coping abilities have dwindled to almost nil lately. The major upheavals that have taken place this year and the strain of dealing with some high-need children (Aimee and Ryan in particular right now) have combined to make just the ordinary, daily challenges of mothering four young children feel overwhelming. Hannah's Ship of Doom (someone in the know please tell me how to create links - you know, where the word or phrase is highlighted!) really struck a chord with me - that was such a fitting way to describe how I, too, feel so often, but I don't think I should want to escape all the time. So I've been working on a list of problems, in order to try to identify things I (or we) could change in order to help gain some control over the chaos on the outside, and the feelings of despair and frustration on the inside. For instance, every morning begins with Ryan waking up literally kicking and screaming as he asks to nurse. If I am already nursing Chase and ahve to ask him to wait, this turns really ugly and is just not a happy way to start the day. In fact, most of the morning is spent dealing in various ways with Ryan, who is obviously not a morning person! When school is part of the equation, the frustration is compounded, as he often begins screaming or in other ways demanding things as soon as I begin reading or helping someone. I have worked on trying to give him extra atention first, etc.- he just seems to need so much more of everything, as a classic spirited child. And if, speaking of school, Aimee also decides to dig in her heels, it makes for lethal combination. So much of my time is spent working on behavioral issues with these two that I feel I am not able to create the happy learning environment I would like. I confess I wish I felt peace about sending Aimee and Drew to school for a time, because I fantasize sometimes about what I could do if I didn't have homeschooling looming over my head all the time. I don't have that peace yet, BUT I feel I can't continue on the current path. For too long this year we have ben in survival mode, especially concerning school, and I want us to thrive peacefully instead. Part of this solution has to be getting some help for Aimee again, but that's it's own issue that I don't have time to discuss at the moment :-) So anyway - Aimee and Ryan, while not the problems themselves, have issues that contribute to the major stressors of my daily life. I need to address those issues. Other major problems concern daily household chores - nothing is simple right now. It takes us thirty minues jsut to find clothes for everyone to wear because of laundry problems, I spend a disproportionate amount of time sweeping and mopping the floors, we can't move around the house easily because things aren't really organized for this new set-up, we can't deal with trash properly because we don't have an outside trash can yet (Dave has to take to to work every morning, but what to do I do with it in the meantime!?), my vaccum cleaner broke, et. etc. I haven't even unpacked all the way, so often there are still things (like the pencil sharpener!) that we can't find. In short, there's so much time wasted looking for things and cleaning up the same things over an over, and that's a continual source of frustration. I need to be able to go through at least the minutae of my day with some smoothness, and so I need to re-organize as necessary for this house. I need to finish unpacking! But I need time to do that, and with Dave going out of town and working long hours, that's hard to find. In the meantime, I need to be able to cope better, so I am working on my inner peace first and praying that the Lord will also help me restore some peace in everyone and everything else. Ryan's awake, so that's it for now!

Quick Update

Well, we surived Ryan's croup (without a trip to the ER or the doctor), although the rest of us weathered colds afterwards. Shortly after a long battle with that virus, Chase woke me early on my birthday morning earlier this week with his first stomach virus. *sigh* That virus has now run through everyone but Ryan - the odds are steadily rising that he'll escape unscathed, although we're prepared tonight just in case. :-) If tonight goes well, we're going up to my mom's tomorrow for a Christmas get-together with family. We'll be back the same day, though, and plan to spend Christmas completely at home for the first time...well, ever! I had planned to write more, but I still have some things to do before crashing tonight - and I'm so tired! More later.

Croup

Ryan and Chase, affectionately known as my little boys (but don't tell Ryan, who strongly objects to being called a "little boy"!), both have colds this week, and last night we were awake most of the night dealing with Ryan's croup, which he has in varying degrees every time he has a cold. This time his croup symptoms have been rather bad, and while he played happily today, tonight his cough is scary again, and twice already we've been in the bathroom with the shower running. I dread the thought of going to the ER tonight and am praying that he will improve as he sleeps. So why am I up and blogging at 11:30 after one night of almost no sleep and possibly facing another? :-) Signing off, but hopefully I'll be posting a good report tomorrow.

Of Cabbages and Kings...and a Close Call!

First the close call - last night as Dave and I were putting dinner on the table, Aimee was carrying around something a friend had let her borrow, something Ryan very desperately wanted. We asked Aimee to put it away in a a safe place, and just as she was coming back into the kitchen from doing this, we heard a series of crashes, followed immediately by a tremendous, and thus very ominous, crash, along with Ryan's screams. I was at Aimee's door in seconds, Dave at my heels, and for a split second I was completely paralyzed with terror at the sight of Aimee's dresser on the ground. I could hear Ryan but did not immediately see him, and I just knew he was pinned underneath; it was absolutely the worst feeling. I screamed something to Dave about getting the dresser up (this was all happening in a matter of seconds), and just then a little blonde head appeared on the other side. Dave and I both exhaled in utter relief, scooped him up and tried to examine him for any injury as we comforted him. He had, as you can guess, been attempting to climb up to the top dresser drawer, where Aimee had (perhaps not so discreetly!) hidden the coveted object; amazingly, he must have just been knocked aside as the dresser fell, so he was almost unscathed, though completely terrified. He had some odd little bumps on his head that we still can't quite figure out, but he recovered relatively quickly, ate dinner, and slept the whole night, so I think he's okay. Will he learn anything from this? Time will tell - although his short history so far tells us probably not! - but in any case we will anchor all the tall furniture from now on!

On a far more amusing note, I have been meaning for some time to write down this priceless gem: Aimee apparently has been educating Drew on matters of the environment and animal preservation, and once last week when Dave said he was going to cut some wood for a fire, Drew stopped what he was doing and said earnestly, "Daddy, do you know that every second three trees are cut down? And when trees are cut down, animals die?" (Sound of Dave working to keep a straight face.) Then Drew proceeded with a illustration, complete with gestures for added emphasis - "Imagine a field full of horses," he prompted. "Now imagine that field with less horses." Pause. "Now imagine an empty field." While unsure about the link between trees and horses, Dave still agreed to try to keep it all in mind, then sent Drew out to play before we both lost it. :-) That darling, serious boy!

And some random tidbits...I have forgotten to mention how much we are loving our neighborhood. Our next door neighbors on both sides are very nice, and on one side live a 5 year-old boy and his 2 year-old brother . :-) Last week, Aimee discovered that a seven-year-old girl lives across the street, and we've had her over a couple of times, and even Dave has been enjoying talking to the nieghbor on the other side (they're already arranging fishing trips - sigh!), so just about everyone has found someone. I am far from a socialite and need ample time and the right conditions to develop friendships, so just having friends close by again is good enough for me. I'm enjoying setting up house, too now that I've crossed the biggest box hurdles and I can actually see progress being made. Overall, I believe we're all experiencing feelings of peace that we haven't in a long time, and while I know happiness and joy are unrelated, it is admittedly pleasant just to be happy right now!