I was sitting on my front porch one morning this past weekend, having my coffee, soaking in the beauty of the day, listening to music, and feeling awash in a perplexing mix of emotions. It had been a full week - full of good, full of bad, full of fun, full of sorrow. We had some family visit, and we enjoyed a couple days away with them, and that was lovely. But there had been frustrations with Dave's job, needs that piled up while resources vanished (suddenly higher taxes, opportunities removed, etc), disappointments, changes, unanswered questions, and then toward the end of the week, the news that a dear, sweet friend delivered her baby daughter early and stillborn. So as I sat on the porch, feeling grateful for my happy children and our life and our home and Dave's job (really, even when it's frustrating), but also processing waves of grief for my friend and her family (and you know, for myself - I would have loved that little girl!), I heard the song "Lord, I Need You" by Matt Maher, and unbidden came the thought, "Especially now."
But as soon as I thought it, I also thought - or perhaps the Lord spoke or gently nudged - that it was grossly inaccurate. It's not as if there is a time when we need him not so specially, and that was a humbling reminder. I asked God to forgive me for my pride in forgetting my utter dependence on Him in times of feeling secure, happy, and safe. Was I any more so than now, when the world seems a little darker and less predictable? Of course not! My means are always paltry compared to His provision. My sense of safety and security always an illusion when based on my circumstances.
And what absolutely NOT profound observations, I know. I myself have been reminded of them countless times...and will undoubtedly forget again. But there it is.
And. incidentally. as grateful as I am for the lessons of a pretty tough week last week, I'm not ashamed to say I would also really be grateful for a happier, more peaceful week!
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