One day last week a friend and I were talking about praising children's deeds and accomplishments. She has one little boy, just shy of a year, and as a mother of several, of all different ages, I was relating various examples, but then when she asked, "But how do you know where the line is? How do you know when it's appropriate to give praise, and how much is too much?"
And I, experience mother of five, said, "Um...."
I'm actually not really sure. I also felt a little guilty, since I had related an instance of when I thought a parent had praised something their child did, and I felt the instance didn't really call for it. I felt the parent was contributing to that particular child's rather large sense of entitlement. But I suppose the statement the parent made sounded innocent enough, so my criticism of it was based solely on my feelings, and not on any real principle. Was I saying that my opinion was principle enough? Ouch.
So I thought about what that principle in our home is. I don't think I did in as many words, but in the first place, I certainly should have told my friend that certainly at the age her little one is now, there is no such thing as excessive praise. But even as they grow...I generally believe that praise and positive words should greatly outweigh criticism and negative words. No one would like to be corrected and critized ALL DAY LONG, but that can be alarmingly easy to do with children. So I try to consider how I would like to be addressed. Even when correction is necessary, I try to do so the way I would like to hear it myself. It can also be helpful to remind myself of the positive aspects of a child's personality, even in the heat of the moment, so I'm frequently heard saying things like, "Oh, my goodness, I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE SO PERSISTENT. That is great. But [for the hundrenth time] you're still not going to have ice cream for breakfast." Of course, sometimes positive wording isn't appropriate for the moment. I have heard parents really bend over backwards to phrase something in a positive way rather than a negative one, but when, for instance, you walk into the dining room and find your boys flinging spaghetti at each other (true story), it's perfectly reasonable to forget to say, "How energetic and happy you all are! But let's leave the spaghetti on our plates, please," and it's entirely appropriate to say, "STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!?!"
Note that it seems like I'm shouting a lot here, so I'll take this moment to say that boys, in general, seem to need firmer wording in louder tones, and they don't seem to mind it. I don't mean that I'm yelling at them all the time. But while a girls, in general, seem to appreciate many words in gentle tones, boys would often rather you get to the point. And when they are jumping all over the furniture playing Avengers, they can only hear you when you say, "HEY! TRAMPOLINE!"
But I'm getting a little off topic. I only meant to say that whle our general practice is to use positive words as often as possible, sometimes children require directions more to the point. And sometimes the things they do truly aren't praiseworthy at all. Sometimes really ugly things spill out, just as they do for all of us. In those times, I think it's perfectly acceptable to say, "I love YOU, but there's nothing good about this thing you just did or said." But again, what about the things that ARE praiseworthy? As parents, we tend to think everything our children do is absolutely wonderful and exceptional. It's ok to let them know that. But I've noticed as they get older, my children began to call me out on this. "You're just saying that because you're my mom," or, "Do you REALLY think it's good?" So I try to be specific in my praise, and let them know when something really is, by anyone's standards, a good thing.
Also, I don't, by intention and because I just wouldn't have enough time for this, praise them each and every time they do something that's expected of them as a member of the household or as a member of humanity (although I try to say thank you often). Really, I hear parents do that sometimes, and it sounds both tedious and not very genuine. But when I know a child struggles with something like obeying or controlling his temper, and they do something that demonstrates a victory in that area, I certainly do praise them for it. So when we have to go somewhere, and my five year old - who once sat stubbornly in a bath so long it went ice-cold, simply so that he could delay our departure for co-op one morning - puts a shirt and shoes on and gets in the car straightaway the first time I say, "Let's go!", you'd better believe I make a point of it!
I feel I didn't get anywhere near the answer to the original question here, so I appeal to you, dear readers - how do YOU dole out your praise? What do you feel is the line between enough and too much, or the line between genuine and false? Do you even think about it?
