Fact and Myth

I was talking with a friend lately who mentioned that she thinks many people still have many misconceptions about homeschooling and homeschoolers. So I thought I would take a moment to examine what seem to be some of the ideas floating around about homeschooling, and to sort fact from myth.

Actually, the first thing anyone should understand is that there is such diversity among homeschoolers that what is fact with some may be myth with others, and vise versa. There are atheist homeschoolers, Christian homeschoolers, Muslim homeschoolers. There are structured "by the book" homeschoolers, and there are extreme unschoolers. There are conservative homeschoolers and liberal homeschoolers. There are homeschoolers who watch TV and homeschoolers who don't (and among those who don't, by the way, some are Christian and others aren't - faith is only one reason people choose to forgo television). There are shy homeschoolers and outgoing homeschoolers. There are homeschoolers who are "advanced" academically, and homeschoolers who aren't. There are some "creative" (I think by that people mean "arts and craft-y") moms, and moms (such as yours truly) who aren't really into that. There are super organized homeschool moms, and moms who aren't. There are some really patient moms, and moms who are a little less easy-going. There are homeschool kids who do schoolwork at desks, and homeschool kids who do school outside, inside, ON the table rather than around it, in their rooms, in the car, on the couch , on the floor, on the trampoline, at the park, with each other, by themselves.... There are families who like to spend a lot of money on the unbelievable amount of curriculum available, and there are moms who don't.

Well, actually, that pretty much sums it up, so there's really no need for the rest of the post.

So - do you have an idea of what homeschoolers and their homeschooling looks like? You could probably find families to fit that image. But you should also know that there are hundreds of others who look and act completely different than that image, and any others that the uninformed might have, so it's quite inaccurate - and unwise - to put any labels on homeschoolers in general.

PS Occasionally I hear people acknowledge that "it's not like that anymore," at which I get a little bristly. Do they really know what it was like before, in the early days of modern homeschooling? Could they really pick out of a crowd adults who were homeschooled? Even back then, we weren't socially awkward, academically stunted wierdos. Just had to get that out there!

Don't Break The Valuables

My wedding collection of wedding china (which was supposed to be tough enough for everyday use) has been slowly but surely dwindling over the course of my marriage. So pretty. So fragile. So I cherish the few items I have left and try to use them sparingly. As of yesterday, I had one bowl left (one bowl! Yes, Mom, I know...), and I used it when dishing out oatmeal. One of my boys had it, and when he brought it back to the kitchen to return it, he tripped a little over something, and the bowl slipped out of his hands and crashed onto the tile floor.

My heart hurt a little bit as I looked at the pieces. "My last bowl!" I started to gasp, but then the child who dropped it burst into tears of remorse as he started to berate himself for being clumsy. Suddenly it became far more important to keep his spirit together than to lament over the bowl, and I took a deep breath, stepped over those pieces, and hugged him.

Now, I am not at all exalting myself here. It was not easy to swallow those words of correction that wanted to spring to my lips. It wasn't easy to say, "It's just a bowl." And it was even harder to swallow those conditional phrases that we parents are so often guilty of using, "It's ok - just be "more careful next time," or "WHY were you walking around the house with food?" I think kids are smart enough to know what they could have/should have done instead. But I write this only as encouragement (and from experience, because I've certainly made missteps in this area before) - kids spill things, break things, knock things over, and in all kinds of ways run roughshod over furniture and household items. Teaching them manners and respectful use of property is important, of course, but I'm talking about accidents, things that happen just in the course of their being growing kids (and people, since adults still spill and break things, too). Those are just things. I know they cost money to replace, and some memories can't be replaced, like the ones represented by that bowl, but those young hearts and spirits are ever, ever so much more valuable. How awful it is to wound and crush them with unnecessary words of criticism and correction. I've been guilty of saying those kinds of things before, and have regretted them sorely.

So I tried to be intentional in giving complete and unconditional forgiveness in this instance, in preserving my son's spirit. He didn't say, "Wow, Mom, I'll remember this instance of your kindness on your part forever. You've made me a better person. Thank you." And I don't mean to overdramatize an incident that will pass from his memory almost as quickly as it took to sweep up the pieces of that bowl. But even if he doesn't remember it, it's one of those moments I'll treasure for a good long while - a moment in which I'll know I chose one of the results of my wedding that was most valuable, far more so than the nice gifts we received.

They were nice gifts, though. I shed another tear in memory of that lovely bowl!

A Really Good Awful Movie

So. Dave and I both read - and loved - The Hunger Games a good while ago, and after some begging from our oldest, and no small amount of consideration our part, we also let Aimee read the series. And then after further consideration, we also allowed Drew to read the books (one at a time, judging his reactions after each one). He read the first one, then grew bored somewhere in the second, so stopped there. Then when we found out that a movie was in the works, we were all excited, and when the two kids who had read the books asked if they would be allowed to see it, we agreed to consider it. And as the movie's premier approached and we did some research about it, we made plans some time ago that all four of us would go see it in the theater (a special treat for us!).

And you know, I realize that the series is certainly not for all kids that age. I completely respect the feeling that a good many parents we know have, that the books might be a little much - or even a lot much - for their own kids. I'm not at all getting defensive about that. Hopefully, I'm not getting defensive at all, actually. It's just that when the movie hype really grew, I started to hear a hue and cry from various places about how a book and movie based around the notion of kids killing kids is just awful. I agree that premise IS awful, but I was a little curious about that reaction, since the story is so much more than that, and in no way glorifies it. But then Dave happened to mention to some people that we were taking the kids to see the movie, which prompted some heated reactions. (I hope he doesn't mind me sharing this!) Someone explained it in this light, that with all the violence in schools, how could we expose our kids to - here it is again - kids killing kids? And then I wondered if that was behind a good deal of the negative feelings about the story. So that's what I'd like to address, using just my unprofessional opinion. (Take it or leave it.)

In the first place, I'll say that we really felt the violence was toned down in the movie. Some of the deaths were more detailed and/or more drawn out in the book, so it seemed to me that there was a rather conscious effort to make sure the violence wasn't a focus in the movie. In the second place, I'll agree - again - that the whole idea of annual "games" in which teenage participants are forced to leave their homes and fight to the death is terrible. But it's supposed to be disturbing. I don't know how much of a social statement Suzanne Collins wanted to make, but for our family, the social questions raised are part of what makes the series a good read.

What happens when a society loses itself in self-indulgence and entertainment? How does it happen that they lose their respect for values, to the point only blood can satisfy their cravings? And has that ever happened to societies before? Absolutely. ( Incidentally, have you ever watched reality shows? Like them or not, you have to agree that a constant question raised is, "Where is the moral line? When does the game cross into real life?" And you have to realize that ratings increase where there is drama, particularly drama based around bad behavior.)

What happens when a government becomes all-powerful? How do they convince a society to give them that power? Is it all force, or do citizens willingly hand it over to some degree, in exchange for comfort, safety, or even entertainment?

What happens people when confronted with life or death situations? (What would happen to YOU?)

I thought the book and the movie both did a great job at looking at these things, particularly the last. Some people simply wanted to survive, some wanted justice, some wanted to protect, and some did gave way to the brutal, blood-thirsty pack mentality. And would that - does that - happen in real life? YES. We read about it as we read through history. We even read about it in the Bible (which is not a book for the faint of heart). So we want our kids to be confronted with these questions. Obviously there's a line (which, I readily agree, we draw somewhat inconsistently), and we want them to read a variety of genres, mixing light and heavy fare. But even in this somewhat "heavy" fare, we find redeeming the virtues of honor, courage, love, and justice. The "games" are painted as an abhorrent practice of an evil government, and those tributes who become violent and blood-thirsty are denounced. Nothing about "kids killing kids" is glorified in the least.

So I don't see the possibility of this spurring any teenagers toward furthering the problem of violence in the schools. I don't think my own children will become dark and homicidal. And because I know them well, I don't even think they'll have nightmares about anything they've read or seen about this story. Of far greater concern to me is the diet of mindless entertainment and poor literature available to kids and teenagers today, in which heroes are teen "idols" and book and movie characters are crass and disrespectful. How easy it could be for a young person's morals and values to become dulled, and then corrupted, as their impressionable minds and souls are numbed by nothingness. So good literature and stories in which the best of qualities are encouraged is far, far better to me, than poor literature and garbage media in which mediocre and poor qualities are celebrated, even when the former contains some violence.

Coming full circle, I am not trying to convince anyone that they should let their children read or watch this, nor am I claiming to be an expert in the causes of real violence among young people in our society. These are just my observations, based on our choices for our family. And to conclude, I'll add that we all really enjoyed the movie, as well as the time spent together!

Popping the Bubble

I have had a few conversations lately, with a variety of people in a variety of venues (so if you're thinking I'm talking about you, I'm probably not talking about just you) about the issue of socialization and the "problem" of homeschooled children being too sheltered.

I admit that my first thought when I hear this is, "Really? Are we STILL talking about this?" Apparently enough studies can't come out indicating that homeschoolers - for the most part - do just fine in the areas of academics and social skills. Sure, we all know some shy, socially awkward homeschool kids, and we might point to some family practices that might have contributed to that. But don't we all know some socially awkward kids from EVERY schooling environment? There aren't a number of kids who come out of public schools who don't fit in and are ill-prepared for the "real world?" Sometimes this is due to excessive "sheltering," and sometimes it's due to exactly the opposite problem. Incidentally, the teenager responsible for the recent school shooting here in Ohio was described as "isolated" - in a school of hundreds. So this "sheltering" argument seems illogical and not well thought-out.

Also, I think we should be honest. Almost all parents shelter their children to some degrees. Do your kids play in busy streets? Do they hang out in bars? Do they stay up all night and eat whatever junk food they want? OR...do you have measures of safety for their bodies, minds, and souls? Do you teach them manners? Do you have some kind of moral code? Do you call that sheltering, or just common sense? Do you have an idea that you will gradually introduce them to the "real world" in age-appropriate ways as they grow and mature?

But that brings us to the matter of perspective. If you believe that the public school system is the default educational system, and that it is the normal rite of passage for an American child in this day and age, then you win - homeschooling is most certainly a "bubble." There's just no way we can recreate the same environment and experience. Homeschool kids just won't be exposed to the same number of kids each and every day, and to whatever ideas and issues those kids carry to school with them. However, if you believe that the responsibility of education begins with the parents, and that public school is just one option for carrying out that responsibility (and if, frankly, you understand that the modern public school system is relatively young and not the way American parents educated their children for decades before that), then you may have a different idea of what the "real world" is and of how to introduce your children to it. I keep putting that phrase in quotation marks because I think this is a rather vague idea. So I would like to know - really and truly - what people mean by the "real world." Again, if being aquainted with a classroom setting is a necessary part of the real world, then you're right - homeschoolers don't get much of that (although they don't seem to have trouble adjusting to college academics, so it must not take practice to be able to handle this). But I assume that what most people are talking about is real life in the adult world. There are many aspects to this, obviously, but in general, some of the desirable traits for a successful life as an adult are creative and critical thinking, acknowledgement of diversity, the possession of communication and conflict resolution skills, ingenuity, respectfulness, responsibility...I won't even make this about homeschooling versus brick and mortar schools. I'll just say that I fail to see how homeschooling makes it harder to develop these traits. Some of them are honed just by living in a family. Others by living in and interacting with - yes, I'm going to say it - THE ACTUAL REAL WORLD. We go the library, to the grocery store, to sporting and community activities. We go to church where there are kids who go to all the different kinds of schools. We have neighbors. And speaking of neighbors, our kids play with the neighbor kids sometimes (sometimes I also find them chatting with the adults, helping them with yardwork, or just talking about life). The boys used to play with the other neighborhood boys daily, actually, but I noticed this happening less and less. I asked one of the boys about it one day, and he said that some of the neighorhood boys weren't very nice when conflicts arose. In fact, after much questioning of all the kids, it turned out that when my son missed a pass in football, some of the other boys would berate him for being clumsy. When he didn't want to play something they were playing a couple of the boys would even call him a "retard." Conversations were also reluctantly reported to me in which some of the neighborhood kids gave my kids a hard time about being homeschooled, saying that they weren't learning nearly as much as the public school kids. So, there you go. My kids have been exposed to the "real world," to mean-spirited people with other values (clearly). Happy now?

Do you know what's ironic about this? When these neighborhood kids (not all of them - some are genuinely kind) were exposed to some diversity, they responded with belittling, bullying, and name-calling. And it's my children whose social skills are being questioned.


But anyway, the point is that being exposed to people of different values, age groups, and the like is not an issue. Learning conflict resolution is not an issue. Learning kindness and respect is a priority, the same way that I assume it is for most families. Learning critical thinking skills is something we approach every day. We talk about past events, good and bad, as well as current events, good and bad. We talk about politics, social issues, new ideas. We explore technology. We go places, see things, learn about where we live and about the people around us. We learn about other places around the world as we read things by about all kinds of different people, who write about all kinds of places, times, and events. Some of us even visit some of those different places around the world. (Visiting a foreign country, meeting and working with the people there, is hardly living in a "bubble.") Yes, we filter our life experiences through our worldview. Everybody does. Yes, we teach our children a particular set of values. Everybody does. But our children also know that other people live by different values. They know there are choices - and we know that ultimately they have to make choices about their own lives. They know that some people live differently, and some of those choices are truly wrong, while others are a matter of opinions. And our children are encouraged to form and express their opinions. Hopefully they will learn to do so in a respectful manner.

They aren't perfect people, and neither am I perfect parent. I'm sure I will miss something. They will have to learn some social skills the hard way, just as everybody does. But I appeal to the protesters of the "bubble" - be specific in your critique. What exactly do you find lacking in the way homeschooling introduces children to society? It may be that I don't have an immediate answer, or that my answer will just be at odds with the way you view the world, but at least we'll have had a logical, reasonable discussion about real things, not about vague terms with no basis.

Identity

One of our favorite games with Scarlett is to point to each member of the family and ask, "Who is that?" When she was very little, we would answer for her, then as she began to attempt responses, we would cheer her on and encourage her. An especially funny stage was when she would get confused and say the wrong names. Even funnier was when she figured out this was funny, and began to do it on purpose on occasion. But for the most part, by now she responds correctly and adorably when we point to each member of the family. "Aimee (although she has a little trouble with the "m" sound and replaces it with an "n" sound), "Drew-Drew", "Ryan," "Chase-Chase" (and often, "Chase-CHASE" when she's frustrated with him), and of course, "Mommy" and "Daddy". After making the rounds, we've always finished with, "And who are you?" From the time she's been old enough to make a reply, she's typically said "Mommy," which is cute, but which, incidentally, reminds us of a beautiful truth. Dear new moms, when your tiny ones first need you every moment of every day, when they don't want to sleep by themselves or in any way be parted from the comfort of your arms, part of the reason is that they don't know that they're a separate person from you. As they grow, they began to discover this, but that's also where separation anxiety comes from - it can be an overwhelming thing to realize and embrace your own identity. (I throw this out there, but can't cite my sources, because I don't remember them, although I know my own experiences with children back this up. So I guess you'll just have to take my word for it!)

So anyway, where were we? "Mommy." We've always laughed, and said, "You're Scarlett!" and she has always smiled, but has never even attempted to repeat this. But today, when we asked her the usual question, she said, "Tar-wet!" In toddler-ese, in case you didn't know, that's "Scarlett." It's close enough, anyway, that all of us who were in the room heard and recognized it, and we cheered and asked her numerous times to repeat it. Eventually she got bored and didn't want to play the game anymore, but there it was.

There is no moral to this story, so I hope you weren't looking for one!

Don't Be Smart

I'm not sure what reminded me of this today, but somehow today I remembered a little girl I used to babysit some years ago. She was about 4 or 5, and I remember once telling her that she was smart, to which she solemnly replied, "My mom says not to be smart." I was confused for a few minutes, until I realized that when her mom told her "Don't be smart," she meant, "Don't be disrespectful." I remember thinking that it was unfortunate that it was a poor word choice, since the little girl was really too young to understand the difference.

As I recalled this incident this morning, I thought about how smart children are, in fact, rather inconvenient to parents. Perhaps when parents say things like, "Don't be smart," they actually mean it, because smart, healthy children aren't easy to handle. They ask a lot of questions. They challenge statements and commands. They don't like to sit still or be quiet. They have opinions on everything. They have strong likes and dislikes. They're always hungry, always on the go, never content with "because I said so."

Now, I understand there's a need for some amount of order in a household, and we must teach our children manners and instill in them a sense of humility and respect. I'm also not saying there's not ever a time and a place for "because I said so." (But if you want your children to trust your judgement and respect your wisdom and authority, it's a good idea for YOU to put forth the effort toward being generally trustworthy and deserving of respect.) What I am saying is that it's good to remember that our children aren't here for our convenience. If we start to think of them as unruly things that need to be "handled," we've forgotten that they are actually young people with smart brains that crave knowledge and understanding and healthy bodies that need to move (and thus need to be fed. A lot.).

Let's don't squelch that which is good about our children. Let's don't tell them they can't be smart, can't be inquisitive, can't ask us to be reasonable, can't make noise, can't bounce and climb. Let's polish and hone, channel and nurture those qualities for sure.

But go ahead - let them be smart.