Thoughts on Discipline, Part 2

I explained much of our general discipline philosophy in my last post. Now - what does it look like in practice?

I think anyone who shares the same kind of philosophy (and yes, I'm thinking of YOU, you-know-who-you-are!) would agree that to half the people observing us it seems like we do too much, and to the other half, like we're not doing nearly enough. Because we're believers, we do know that we have a God-given authority, and that we have to teach and train these little helions children because God instructs us to do so. But because we don't use many punitive tactics, we break with what seems like the majority of Christian parenting philosophies in how carry that out. I don't mean to be judgmental of anyone here, or to sound superior. I admit that I am not really a great disciplinarian. I probably am a bit of a pushover, even in my small circle of like-minded parents. So I'm not at all saying that I'm excelling where most everyone else is failing. I'm just describing some of our philosophy and why we stick with it. Is your parenting philosophy built  on a thoughtful interpretation of God's Word? Then great. I would only encourage you to look within your heart, examine your motives, and be sure that it really is based on His Word, and not on just popular belief. 

Anyway, this is basically how it works for us:

We believe the kids are people, just as we are. Sure, they have the same propensity for sin as we do, but just as we wouldn't want someone to believe of us that we are, at heart, manipulative and bent for trouble, we don't believe that of them. We believe they have valid feelings, thoughts, and ideas - immature ones, yes, but valid nonetheless. 

We believe that one of the best ways to help them behave well is to make it as easy as possible for them to do so. Practice makes perfect. So we believe it's our job to be fair, to listen to them and be considerate of them, to take their individual personalities into account, and to make sure they feel good overall - because that makes it easier to  be the best you can be. How do YOU behave when you're tired or hungry? How do YOU respond to being told what to do all the time, without your input ever being acknowledged? How would you respond if you were corrected or criticized all the time? Would you ever get tired of being told that you're a "troublemaker" or "a handful" all the time? (It's terrible to hear parents angrily criticizing their children, but it's almost just as bad to fill your child's lighthearted jabs about how much trouble they are.)

In the same vein, we believe helping them grow, but also in letting them be their age. My two year old cannot be expected to understand much of delayed gratification. She only lives in each moment, and that is entirely appropriate for her age. That doesn't mean giving her whatever she wants, of course, but it means that if she throws a fit on the floor, making her feel better is of infinitely more worth than trying to punish her. As soon as she lets me, I pick her up and hold her. Even better, I nurse her, and everything is better. Calming her emotions for her is perfectly okay. She's only two. It means knowing that my five year-old wants to throw things when he gets angry. That doesn't mean he's going to be an ax murderer unless I do something drastic. It just means he's five, and he still needs lots of help learning how to be angry without hurting people. My seven year old and ten year old boys are...well, they're seven and ten year old boys. I don't expect them to sit still for very long stretches or to have perfect table manners. Even they still need help calming the beast within (but already...not as much help as when they were two and five!). And my 12 year-old is navigating those bizarre waters we all remember from that age. I expect more from her, but still, she's only 12. There have been times when she's told me "No," and while sometimes that riles me up, I generally try not to take that personally. Instead of grounding her, I challenge her to think it through. "You're not going to take a walk with us? Let's think that through. How do you think this is going to end?" There's not much reasoning with a two -year old. That's okay. But there should be lots of reasoning and the prompting of logical thinking with a twelve year-old, and that's okay, too. 

So we do a lot of talking things out. And sometimes we talk and talk and talk. Sometimes tempers flare, sometimes she says things that could be construed as wildly disrespectful, but I would rather flesh all this out together, where I can help her learn the boundaries, learn to be rational, learn to forgive and be forgiven. I'm okay with that. I would rather any of the kids push the boundaries HERE than elsewhere. This should be a safe place to get rid of all the junk. Home is where they should learn how to deal with strong emotions and with personal struggles. If we squash it all the time, how will they do that? So we talk. We try to be the kind of people we want them to be. We try to help them see the reasons for things we ask them to do, rather than wield the "because I said so" sword all the time (sometimes it's necessary, I know, but we don't want to be dictators). If a lesson needs to be learned, we try to let it be through natural consequences as much as possible - and as close to natural as possible.

And here's what we don't do - we don't spank, as I explained in the previous post. We don't really "ground." And we don't really do "time-outs." Often someone needs a bit of space and time to cool off, so we do occasionally send kids who are old enough (the seven year-old and up - don't send an angry five year-old to his room to be alone, as I learned the hard way) upstairs to take a breather if they aren't able to control their anger or be reasonable. That's as much for their benefit as for ours. But here's my problem with time-outs: often it's for out-of-control behavior in young children. So if this immature little person is already out of control, how can you expect them to suddenly control those out of control emotions - only this time, in an even more restricted space? It's my opinion that what's being taught here is how to surpress those emotions so they can be free, rather than how to deal with those emotions constructively. And if it's not for out of control behavior...well, then what IS it doing? What are they supposed to think about? If they've truly made a sinful choice, how can repent by themselves? To me, that seems to be asking many things at once from a child, some of which they may not even be developmentally able to do. Andrew Paduwa said of learning that you can't help a child "too much", and I think that can apply to discipline as well. I think you can't help them too much when it comes to helping them be good.

Of course, that takes time. It may be that time-outs and spankings get quicker results (although I would just question if those are merely short-term results). And for heaven's sake, I'm not saying that people who use those strategies don't also invest time and energy in their children. I'm just saying that if you don't, as we don't, people will probably look askance at you and questions whether you are letting things slide. "If you don't take care of such-and-such now,.then they'll never...or you'll never...or they'll always..." But I've found, as in all things involved with raising children, if it starts with an "if-then" like that, it's an idea probably based on fear. Okay, it IS true that IF you don't teach them at all, THEN things will be bad for everyone involved. But beyond that, in the details, we don't want to be ruled by  many "if-then" fears. If I comfort my two year old because she's upset that I won't give her something, she won't continue to throw herself on the floor every time she gets emotional. She'll grow out of that on her own. But she'll also know love and mercy at the same time she's learning about boundaries. 

And that pretty much sums it up. Of course we believe in boundaries. But we believe we can show love, mercy, sympathy, and kindness as we teach those boundaries. We believe there is no such thing as helping them too much as we teach our children, that helping them get lots of practice in being good is better than daring them to be bad, then punishing them for it. We believe in removing temptations if we can, and helping them work through temptations that are unavoidable. We believe, most of all, in speaking to their hearts, because eventually they will have to make decisions on their own. They have to decide whether to follow God's Word or not, and we truly want it to be about following Him, rather than following a list of our do's and don't's. We're not really after getting well-behaved children. (gasp!) We're after growing people who will help "turn the world upside down." 

Thoughts on Discipline, Part 1

I was talking with someone recently about our discipline strategy. (Don’t worry, Someone – it was a good conversation!) Since it is always easier for me to write about something than to talk about it, I thought I would broach the topic again, and clarify some points we discussed, both for that Someone, and just in general.

The first thing that always seems to come up in a discussion about discipline is spanking. It’s a rather polarizing topic, although I’m not sure it always has to be. I know some people who believe in it wholeheartedly, as well as some people who believe it is always abuse. I’ll just say it – we don’t spank, and I do believe that it often IS abusive, but I also know good parents who practice it, and I just won’t go so far as to say it’s always abuse. I feel I can have my own opinion about spanking without making a sweeping judgment about all other opinions (although I realize that even just having a stance on a topic is almost a judgment in itself. I can’t help that). But here’s my take: I see the “rod” verses. I see how they could be interpreted several different ways. I could even see how they could be interpreted to be talking about a  literal rod. But I don’t see how an entire discipline strategy can be centered around those verses, and I certainly don’t see how the modern Christian spanking method could have been derived from them. “Spare the rod; hate the child” – what kind of rod? What kind of child? Are we really talking about physical punishment for every disobedient act (and if not, which ones)? Are we talking about toddlers here, too? Do you find that these verses translate into the routine corporal punishment of young children (never when you’re angry, only with the hand/never with the hand, only after a certain age but only up until a certain age, etc)? Okay, then. I freely admit I don’t have enough training in Biblical interpretation to make a definitive statement one way or the other, at least not for everyone. I mentioned before that while we don’t practice it, I would certainly refrain from saying that it is always abuse, and because I know good families who have used it in their discipline of their children – because I know they employ thoughtful instruction and grace in their discipline as well – I would never say of them that they are abusive. Perhaps there is truly a “right” way to spank, and perhaps they are doing that. But I will not hesitate to say that so often it IS abuse – and even good and well-meaning parents can be guilty of abusing their authority and hurting their children in an undeniably wrong way through spanking. In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll admit that we practiced spanking – albeit sporadically – with the older two children. Or we tried. I was never comfortable with it, and I found it almost impossible to know if I was following the “rules” correctly. Was I calm enough? Did I refrain from hurting too much, but did I hit hard enough to make a difference? Isn’t there something just not quite right about that question? And indeed, that’s what ultimately finished it for me. I had to think so hard about the correct way to punish, that I felt it was interfering with my job of really training my children and reaching their hearts.

And that I do know about what the Bible says about raising children. I do fully agree that we are to teach them, train them, instruct them, discipline them. I do agree that sometimes discipline is hard and the consequences unpleasant. I just don’t think that has to mean that I have to inflict physical pain. I also don’t think it means that it’s a battle between myself and my children, between my will and theirs. I don’t think it’s my job to “break their wills,” or even to make them obey. Ooh-hoo, I know of some raised eyebrows right now. Just hang on. I know it’s our job as parents to care for them and to teach them. I know that means that we have a certain amount of responsibility and authority , that we’re in charge. I know that part of teaching them God’s Word is teaching them what He says about proper respect for authority, and about how they are to obey their parents. But true respect and obedience are not things I can wrest from them by force – I think that’s something they have to do on their own, in obedience to God’s Word. There are many areas in which they do need to follow my instructions, that’s true, because most of the time, it’s a matter of their safety or of keeping order in a household and in society. But I think that means the onus is on me to be trustworthy and worthy of respect – and not just so that they know “who’s boss.” That means I don’t put a great emphasis on first-time obedience. And it means we don’t put much emphasis at all on punishment.

More raised eyebrows? Just hang on some more. I don’t mean we have a free-for-all at our house. It’s not complete chaos, where everyone does what they want. We teach them what God says about how to relate to other people, and we let them know that because we are in charge (but not in control of everyone, and I do think there’s a difference), we will run our household based on what he says about that. That starts, of course, with us being patient, kind, long-suffering, etc. We need to be just and merciful, gracious and grateful, considerate and humble. We need to forgive - and ask to be forgiven! I am absolutely not a believer in the idea that being a consistent parent means sticking to your guns whether you’re right or wrong. I remember once when Aimee was little she wanted to play a My Little Pony game on the computer. She had to wait until later in the day, for a reason I don’t remember, but at some point in the day, there was an incident in which she behaved inappropriately, and in frustration, I told her she wouldn’t be allowed to play the game. She exclaimed, “You just did that because you know I really want to play!” And she was right! I knew that would really “get” her, but I had never made good behavior a contingency of playing, and what she did was wrong, but in no way related to playing on the computer. So I took a deep breath and said, “You’re right. What you did wasn’t good, and we have to address that, but let’s back up and think of another way you can make that right. You can still play the game later.”

And making things right is something we stress, rather than punishment. If there is a way to repair or replace something, reconcile with someone, or put positive energy toward working off bad attitudes, we try to choose that way over doling out a punishment. We don’t believe that discipline is about sticking it to the kids, or even programming good behavior in them. We believe it’s about reaching their hearts.

Homeschooling is a Breeze...and Sometimes a Hurricane

I have talked to a few people recently who are on the fence about homeschooling. When it comes down to it, they generally want to know if it's easier than it seems, or as hard as they imagine, so I thought I would try to address that question. The answer, truthfully, is...both. And here are a few reasons why (my fellow homeschool moms can feel free to add their own thoughts):

Why it's Easier Than You Think:

1. It isn't - or shouldn't be - anything like bringing a classroom experience home. I am not a teacher by nature (no, really), and the thought of having to teach everything all day long, all while trying to keep just my energetic kids in their seats really does sound dreadful. A few moms I know DO enjoy teaching. They enjoy lesson plans and overseeing a structured sort of learning. That's perfectly fine, but it's absolutely not necessary for an enjoyable homeschooling experience. I know some other moms who don't do any kind of planning whatsoever, and that's great for them, too. I've read about some truly unschooling homeschoolers who have gone on to college and have done just fine. But I think most of us are somewhere in the middle - we have a master plan, but the learning experience goes best when it takes off by itself. It's almost a living thing, and it should be allowed to grow and thrive naturally. For us, that means lots of reading and lots (and lots) of play. It means that learning just happens all the time, and that the part we call "school" is pretty much just a check in to make sure things are progressing. And to do some things like grammar, which my kids wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole if I didn't drag them to it periodically kicking and screaming. Ahem.

2. You don't have to know everything and be able to teach it to homeschool. Most people I know are afraid they just couldn't possibly teach math, or whatever, and all those people should know that homeschool curriculum abounds. That's not even the right word for it. There's so much of it there's probably too much of it. But whether you're laid back and confident, or unsure of yourself and want everything spelled out (seriously, it's called a scripted lesson plan), it exists for you. There are even some courses that are taught by DVD, so you don't have to do much of anything at all, at least not more than you would already do in assisting a child with homework. A word of caution: there are several online options that are offered by the public schools. Certainly these could be used for good, but it seems that often when first-time homeschoolers try it, thinking it will be a good intermediate option until they are ready to step out on their own, the workload is so overwhelming that it makes homeschooling look like the hardest thing in the world. There's a lot of paperwork and time involved, and while that may have a place, it isn't what learning at home has to look like.

3.You ARE completely qualified to be your child's teacher. You already are! Don't assume there's a sudden switch at age 5 that renders your child beyond your ability to teach. There's nothing magical about school. It's an artificial learning environment, and, in my opinion, the best schools and the best teachers are the ones that replicate the kind of environment that a child would receive at home - a flexible, nurturing, personalized learning experience, where the child is freest to learn and to be. So if we think about it that way, you are the default. If you send your child to school, it should be because YOU have decided to outsource. So you don't really have to "decide" to homeschool - you have been doing it from birth. It really is that easy.

But, of course, just like parenting is a natural thing, and your are qualified to parent your own children, homeschooling can be incredibly hard.

Why It Sometimes IS the Hardest Thing in the World:

1. It's you. And only you. All the time. Of course, there are support groups and co-ops and homeschooling friends - all priceless resources. But when you're having a personality clash with a child, or struggling with how to provide motivation, or just wanting to take your little ones to the park and do not much of anything at all, you're the beginning and the end of the line. When you get to the end of your rope...you have to make the rope a little longer. I don't really like sharing this with parents interested in homeschooling, because it's like confirming their worst fears. But this doesn't have to be the game changer. Marriage can be hard. Caring for a newborn is hard. Life can be hard! But that doesn't mean it isn't worth it.

2. It's messy. You have to sacrifice a certain sense of order and having it all together. A good school day, at least with several kids in the house, means your house will probably look like a herd of buffalo stampeded through it. Sorry.

3. It's loud, and everyone is together (almost) all of the time. There are things you won't be able to do during the day, at least while your kids are young, that your non-homeschooling friends can do. And while you're home, the kids are always there, making a mess (see point #2) and a lot of noise. But again, is this a problem, or is this the norm? Somehow we've been convinced that it's a sacrifice, and just having that perspective makes it very hard to bear for some people. If you're going through your days, weeks, and months feeling like you're going above and beyond, giving way more than a parent is "supposed" to, then I'm sure homeschooling would in fact be too hard. But if you believe that you are supposed to be responsible for your child's education, that it is normal for a family to spend days (all day and every day) together, and that it's the deviations from that that are the real choices (in which you have to weight the pros and cons and consider the sacrifices involved), then the hardest thing in the world is the easiest, most natural thing in the world at the same time.

So I try to share the truth with those interested in homeschooling, from the joys down to the frustrations, but I encourage them to weigh all of it without fear.If you decide to send your children to school, don't let it be because you think you just can't teach your own children. There may be all kinds of valid reasons for a variety of education choices, but none of them should be based on fear. God gave you your children, and he wired them to learn. If you believe this, than you absolutely can be with them and teach them. And once you seize this conviction, this thing that is loud and messy and sometimes so very difficult is just your life, and a life you wouldn't trade for anything, because the reward is immeasurably great.

It Counts

It has become my general rule of thumb that unless the kids spend a large part of the day watching TV or playing on the Wii, the day "counts" as a school day. Of course there are things we want to get done throughout the year. Of course there are subjects we are required to cover, but often those can still be done without much direction from me. Did the boys spend all afternoon outside building forts, digging in the dirt, and re-enacting historical battles? History and science. Done. Did they spend the morning listening to books on CD and building with Legos? Math, science, language arts. Done. Did a child come to me with a drawing of a Lord of the Rings battle, complete with a caption that says "Lord of the Rings?" Art and spelling - done. So often seeing them live out what they are learning, or what they've already learned is worth far more than checking a subject off a list. If a child knows all about a certain subject, knows how to spell (for instance) at least according to his or her age level, and is actively participating in the learning process...IT COUNTS.

This isn't all that easy, actually, because it means constantly adjusting my expectations and plans. It means I have to take some deep breaths and not use the words "we're behind" about a subject just because the (spelling, science, history) book has been sitting in the corner gathering dust. I confess, in fact, that I spent most of last week feeling  overwhelmed with a sense of failure. It wasn't that the week wasn't productive, but the days flew by, and (yet another) week passed in which I didn't accomplish the "formal" schoolwork I had intended with the kids. I had frequent panic moments - "we're not doing enough writing!" "we need to memorize something!" "It's been ages since we did any Latin!" Ack! Behind, behind, behind.

Then we went camping over the weekend, and the kids spend hours in the woods, collecting leaves, and observing wildlife (even a snake!). Some of them worked hard to tend the fire. They hiked, ran, and played with a friend. They played with each other and talked with the adults who were there. Aimee took great pictures of the scenery, developing her photographer's eye, read, and wrote short stories (the one I read was very good!). And I remembered that this is why I never worry about counting days or hours. They might have to catalog the time like that in schools, but we don't. There is no checking in and out. There is no value system for the learning process - or, rather, if there is, it's probably that the real, organic, unhurried, and unprompted version is better than the scheduled, pencil and paper variety. (Duh, as the kids would say.). More on that later. The point is that IT COUNTS. Almost all of it COUNTS. I think this is what our parents (those of us who were homeschooled) were realizing when they drove us crazy (wink, wink, Mom - I'm just teasing) by turning everything into "school." My homeschool friends and I used to commiserate over the way our mothers would so often say things like, "Oh, this can be our history for the day!" I think instead of just realizing how many things could apply to school, they were realizing that everything counts, and not in an inferior way to "real" thing. They textbooks, let's remind ourselves, our guidebooks - ways of packaging the information that's just out there everywhere. They can be helpful, but they're quite artificial in comparison with real life, the ultimate real deal. 

I don't want to get too philosophical, though. And I don't feel prompted to abandon all my plans and thoughts about our formal school year. But there's time enough to catch up on the spelling books, if necessary. Time enough to read through the science books, only to discover that they know most of what's in there already (and I don't even know how!). In the meantime, I'll (try to) stop feeling that the library trip this morning and the cooperative play outside this afternoon are somehow inferior, and remind myself once again that IT COUNTS! 

PS Of course, I know. Someone is sure to point out that things like Latin and Algebra won't happen by themselves. Are you sure? Well, okay, not in every child, certainly. That someone is right, and of course, we make room for those things. Those things do have to be planned and do require some prompting - that's life. The point, if I need to make it again, is that they aren't any more valuable than the things that seem like failures.