It's All Good. Still.

When I've been pregnant with each of my children, we've speculated about what they were going to look like. After four blond-haired, blue-eyed children, each with a stamp of dominant family genes that marks them unmistakeably as siblings, we laughed when this question came up the fifth time. We thought it was pretty obvious what she was going to look like - but then she was born, and some of her physical characteristics took us a bit by surprise, and, in fact, even concerned her doctors to some degree. Then it became apparent that she wasn't even going to be a blond-haired, blue-eyed Meester baby, but a brown-haired, brown-eyed one. She was different than the baby I expected...and in the course of her first year, I realized that I loved her not only despite of those differences, but actually for everything she is and for the way God made her. In March I posted about my journey towards that realization.

In that post, I explained that when she was seven months old, she was tested for a particular condition that might explain some of her differences. We had come to terms with the idea that she probably had it, and that it was really ok, that it didn't matter as far as our love and acceptance of her. And then it turned out that she didn't have it after all, which was cause for celebration for us. Still, in the back of my mind, there lingered questions about why she might have some characteristics that were so different that what I had seen in my other children. And as she grew, and in fact grew in a completely different pattern than the others had, those questions persisted. Still faced with a collection of these things, along with her very petite size, we agreed with her pediatrician that perhaps we should do a more thorough test that might be able to find even the smallest abnormalities. We had the blood drawn last month, and I waited for the results with little anxiety, but still with a feeling that there would be something, even if it was just a slight deviation.

When the results came in, they showed that at least as far as her chromosomes go, she is completely normal!

I admit that even in my happiness, I was a little surprised, because that means I am left with still not knowing why she has some traits that are so different from her siblings. But more importantly, I am left with a smart, happy, and loving brown-eyed beauty, and as I process these latest results, I just have to smile and accept, hopefully towards the betterment of my mothering, that I won't always be able to understand everything about my children, and that they may deviate from - and exceed - my expectations.

Aimee, for instance, is taller and longer-limbed than I was at her age. She is also fearless and spirited. She loves rollercoasters...and I don't know where that came from!

Drew has a math mind, which certainly didn't come from me! He likes facts and trivia, and aways surprises me with what's going on in his mind. The possibilities for his future intrigue me.

Ryan likes details, and he likes to collect (i.e. hoard!) all kinds of things that I often think aren't worth much...but he has sensitivities and insights that amaze me.

Chase - who, by the way, has two webbed toes on each foot, and who knows which distant ancestor he inherited that from! - is a fascinating, infuriating, exciting, and exhausting mix of a mischeivous daredevil with a charming soft heart. I never know what's around the corner for him, even from day to day!

And Scarlett. Scarlett, who is so much smaller than my other four kids, and who is built a little differently in some ways. Scarlett who gives us such joy each day that it makes my heart ache sometimes. Scarlett who loves life, and only knows that she's happy to live it, not that there might be things about herself and her life that perhaps can't be explained. Perhaps they'll create challenges for her...but perhaps they won't. Maybe as she grows they'll become less of an issue. And even if they don't, it's quite likely she'll surprise me with how she'll deal with them.

She's not me, after all. She's not simply the product of my expectations, and none of my kids are. It's always fun to see things in them that I know came from me, that I can understand. But it's also amazing, stretching, deepening, to see those things that I can only say come from Him, and for reasons only He knows at present. It's humbling to give my kids to Him - over and over - and to trust Him for their future, and to thank Him for who they are, and everything they are, in the here and now.