Feelings in turmoil...

Last night someone came to the door asking about the house - it seems he and his wife live nearby and want to stay in the same area. They sounded extremely interested in the house, and will probably come look at it more closely this week. That's exciting in one way, but discouraging in another. I started looking around the house and yard and thinking about how much I'm going to miss this place, especially considering all we may have to give up when we move. We haven't yet seen anything decent in our price range, much less as cute as this and with land and space for our animals (which I don't really want to give up after all, and I really had wanted to add a goat and some ducks, crazy or not!). Of course, I know God can bless us with a gem like this again, but will he, when there are so many perfectly good reasons we could be content with less? Having a place to live within our means is a necessity; having one that's comfortable, nice to look at, and suited to our hobbies and desires is a luxury. All the same, since we've enjoyed that luxury here, going backwards would be a hard pill for this frail human spirit to swallow. And thinking practically, going backwards and paying more for it would be really frustrating.
Also yesterday, my mom called from camp to say that Aimee was doing great and having a good time, with no problems. My first reaction was that I was so glad for her, the close second, I'm afraid, was that I thought that if Aimee had no "episodes" or issues at camp, it would appear that I was either the direct source of our problems here or that I was exaggerating them. Then a pang of guilt - shouldn't I just be happy she's having a good time?! What kind of mother am I, anyway? But it's not that I want her to have problems there at all - I want her to have blast, and in the very act of sending her, I was believing it would be good for her. I just don't want it to drastically diminish my credibility where Aimee is concerned. I know I'm not the best parent and I may not have perfect perspective all the time, but the issues we have with Aimee are not all in my head, and I still don't believe they're all discipline issues (though a few are, I admit). One thing Aimee certainly doesn't lack is self-confidence, so it would make sense that she wouldn't have any problems feeling secure at camp, and almost anyone could be generally happy and agreeable during a week full a organized fun and edification. And if sensory integration is indeed a problem for her, it would still make sense that she would be more in-sync and better able to cope at camp. The relative structure, the activities that keep her busy, and all the fresh air and exercise would help organize her senses and help her feel grounded, so that she could handle even things that she has trouble with ordinarily (even the eating, because I feel like someone might bring that up - I suspect that she really does have trouble recognizing hunger/full cues, but if her sensory integration is working better in general, this would naturally be better, too). She does, after all, have good weeks here, too, when things are just right, and it's not just when she gets what she wants; I've seen her be patient and helpful, too, in situations that are usually stressful for her.(Conversely, she has had incidents away from us, too, so it's not just that she's manipulating us or that we're easily manipulated!) And the fact that she's able to be calm and congenial at times would actually suggest that we are doing some things right, wouldn't it - that she is neither mismanaged nor inherently selfish. I am not trying to excuse myself by labelling her, but the bottom line is that inconsitency is a hallmark of SI dysfunction, so if that's what she has, it wouldn't be surprising that she would do so well at camp and exihibit none of her problem behaviors there. In fact, I have actually thought in the past few months that maybe being in a structured social environment with her peers (i.e. school) would be a great help to her. I'm very organized myself, but a house with three boys, especially when one is a baby, is just by nature loud and unpredictable, which could be overwhelming for someone who might have problems with sensory information! Of course that leads us to another problem - if camp proves that a more structured environment is one of the major solutions for Aimee, how are we to go about providing that, now that we've determined that school is really out of the question???? Significantly absent from camp, however, are scratchy clothes, paper (which is a major source of tactile irritation for her), and the need to sit properly in chairs for certain fine motor activities - all of which seem to contribute to downward spirals in Aimee's abilities to focus and cope. So I guess camp won't really tell us anything, one way or the other, and I should just be glad she's having fun and leave it at that! I feel I've justified myself to the air, though, so at least I feel better. :-)