Relighting the Spark

Has it been almost two months since my last post? It hasn't been for lack of material that I haven't posted, or even for lack of time. And I haven't been in the depths of despair, or hanging on by just a thread of sanity. I have, however, been thoroughly burned out. Functioning, living, even enjoying some things...but all without that spark of motivation and satisfaction that makes life truly good. So at the beginning of the day, my mental and physical energies were directed to getting through the day, and at the end, there wasn't anything left for creative expression. Even if there was, I just really wanted to put on the metaphorical blinders and retreat to bed. I didn't want to see the mess and the unfinished projects or spend any time pondering the feeling of flatness that pervaded everything. Sometimes it was more than the "blahs," of course. When you are burned out you also don't have much tolerance for stress. The slightest things tend to fray you even more at the edges, and the bigger things do tend to push you closer to the edge than they would if you had that spark alive.

And there were times of stress, with Dave's frequent travels over the summer and Scarlett's stay in the hospital...and expected expenses and unexpected expenses, and needs and wants, and learning to be done, and things to plan, and things to consider, and things to do - always things to do. So while I wasn't always teetering on the edge of sanity, sometimes I felt like I was drifting pretty close. My overall sense of joy was the first thing to go, of course, followed my ability to make good decisions and to see situations with clarity and perspective, and one of the casualties of this period of burning out was, for a time, our vacation. With everything going on, and all the decisions to be made and all the many, many little and big things needed and wanted (like pencils - for heaven's sake, why can't I even keep pencils stocked?), was it at all wise to try to tuck away large sums of money for a vacation? Because pencils and paper and school books and food and clothes and more and more and more and more.... So I finally told Dave I couldn't handle the stress of trying to work in our annual trip to the beach when I was pondering how to feed and clothe and educate these growing kids, and we cancelled our plans for the beach.

And I cried and cried - it didn't make me feel any better. The kids were lovely - disappointed, but so sweet about letting me know that they weren't disappointed in me. After just a few days, Dave and I quietly begin to reconsider, and to pray about whether it would be acceptable and possible to take our yearly trek to Edisto Island with family after all.

So...here we are. As usual, now that we're here, it hardly seems like a luxury, but pretty close to necessity. A week of rest, of peace, and of family isn't frivolous. It wasn't too much to ask for, and it hasn't been a waste of anything. God provided, and we can enjoy the gift freely, as a good thing. If we have to wait a month or two or longer to get all the school books we need or want so that the kids could spend hours upon hours outside, in sand and water and exercise, identifying all kinds of flora and fauna, watching the grace and beauty of dolphins daily, soaking in the recharging energy of vitamin D, and creating memories with family they rarely see...well, it's hardly a choice, is it? Anyway, I have a feeling that God can provide the mundane things like Latin books and pencils, too.

If that perspective were all that I gained from this trip, all the time and resources would be worth it! As it was, there has been that and so much more. Has the burned out spark been re-lit? Time will tell, of course. We start making our way home tomorrow, and we'll hit the ground running when we finally get back to Ohio. Everything starts back up next week - we've already started school-ish endeavors (pencils or no pencils!), but all the church activities for the school year, co-op, and all other classes and activities start for us. Dave even starts a new job on Monday. There will be no easing back into things for sure! I don't know if I'll bounce back with renewed energy - bear with me, friends and family, if I don't right away! - but I hope so.