Thoughts on Discipline, Part 1

I was talking with someone recently about our discipline strategy. (Don’t worry, Someone – it was a good conversation!) Since it is always easier for me to write about something than to talk about it, I thought I would broach the topic again, and clarify some points we discussed, both for that Someone, and just in general.

The first thing that always seems to come up in a discussion about discipline is spanking. It’s a rather polarizing topic, although I’m not sure it always has to be. I know some people who believe in it wholeheartedly, as well as some people who believe it is always abuse. I’ll just say it – we don’t spank, and I do believe that it often IS abusive, but I also know good parents who practice it, and I just won’t go so far as to say it’s always abuse. I feel I can have my own opinion about spanking without making a sweeping judgment about all other opinions (although I realize that even just having a stance on a topic is almost a judgment in itself. I can’t help that). But here’s my take: I see the “rod” verses. I see how they could be interpreted several different ways. I could even see how they could be interpreted to be talking about a  literal rod. But I don’t see how an entire discipline strategy can be centered around those verses, and I certainly don’t see how the modern Christian spanking method could have been derived from them. “Spare the rod; hate the child” – what kind of rod? What kind of child? Are we really talking about physical punishment for every disobedient act (and if not, which ones)? Are we talking about toddlers here, too? Do you find that these verses translate into the routine corporal punishment of young children (never when you’re angry, only with the hand/never with the hand, only after a certain age but only up until a certain age, etc)? Okay, then. I freely admit I don’t have enough training in Biblical interpretation to make a definitive statement one way or the other, at least not for everyone. I mentioned before that while we don’t practice it, I would certainly refrain from saying that it is always abuse, and because I know good families who have used it in their discipline of their children – because I know they employ thoughtful instruction and grace in their discipline as well – I would never say of them that they are abusive. Perhaps there is truly a “right” way to spank, and perhaps they are doing that. But I will not hesitate to say that so often it IS abuse – and even good and well-meaning parents can be guilty of abusing their authority and hurting their children in an undeniably wrong way through spanking. In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll admit that we practiced spanking – albeit sporadically – with the older two children. Or we tried. I was never comfortable with it, and I found it almost impossible to know if I was following the “rules” correctly. Was I calm enough? Did I refrain from hurting too much, but did I hit hard enough to make a difference? Isn’t there something just not quite right about that question? And indeed, that’s what ultimately finished it for me. I had to think so hard about the correct way to punish, that I felt it was interfering with my job of really training my children and reaching their hearts.

And that I do know about what the Bible says about raising children. I do fully agree that we are to teach them, train them, instruct them, discipline them. I do agree that sometimes discipline is hard and the consequences unpleasant. I just don’t think that has to mean that I have to inflict physical pain. I also don’t think it means that it’s a battle between myself and my children, between my will and theirs. I don’t think it’s my job to “break their wills,” or even to make them obey. Ooh-hoo, I know of some raised eyebrows right now. Just hang on. I know it’s our job as parents to care for them and to teach them. I know that means that we have a certain amount of responsibility and authority , that we’re in charge. I know that part of teaching them God’s Word is teaching them what He says about proper respect for authority, and about how they are to obey their parents. But true respect and obedience are not things I can wrest from them by force – I think that’s something they have to do on their own, in obedience to God’s Word. There are many areas in which they do need to follow my instructions, that’s true, because most of the time, it’s a matter of their safety or of keeping order in a household and in society. But I think that means the onus is on me to be trustworthy and worthy of respect – and not just so that they know “who’s boss.” That means I don’t put a great emphasis on first-time obedience. And it means we don’t put much emphasis at all on punishment.

More raised eyebrows? Just hang on some more. I don’t mean we have a free-for-all at our house. It’s not complete chaos, where everyone does what they want. We teach them what God says about how to relate to other people, and we let them know that because we are in charge (but not in control of everyone, and I do think there’s a difference), we will run our household based on what he says about that. That starts, of course, with us being patient, kind, long-suffering, etc. We need to be just and merciful, gracious and grateful, considerate and humble. We need to forgive - and ask to be forgiven! I am absolutely not a believer in the idea that being a consistent parent means sticking to your guns whether you’re right or wrong. I remember once when Aimee was little she wanted to play a My Little Pony game on the computer. She had to wait until later in the day, for a reason I don’t remember, but at some point in the day, there was an incident in which she behaved inappropriately, and in frustration, I told her she wouldn’t be allowed to play the game. She exclaimed, “You just did that because you know I really want to play!” And she was right! I knew that would really “get” her, but I had never made good behavior a contingency of playing, and what she did was wrong, but in no way related to playing on the computer. So I took a deep breath and said, “You’re right. What you did wasn’t good, and we have to address that, but let’s back up and think of another way you can make that right. You can still play the game later.”

And making things right is something we stress, rather than punishment. If there is a way to repair or replace something, reconcile with someone, or put positive energy toward working off bad attitudes, we try to choose that way over doling out a punishment. We don’t believe that discipline is about sticking it to the kids, or even programming good behavior in them. We believe it’s about reaching their hearts.