Correct quote

The correct quote is "There never was child so lovely; but his mother was glad to get him asleep." I actually have that written down in a journal somewhere; I was just too tired last night to get up and find it. So thanks for providing it, Rebecca! :-) And, no, I am never up in the wee hours of the morning (and if I am for some reason, I'm not at the computer!). I usually check e-mail and post before the kids get up in the morning, during their quiet time, or just after I get them to bed. The compter is by a window that overlooks the backyard, so occasionally I'll sit down to type or look things up when the older ones are outside playing and the baby needs to nurse. At any rate, I'm not here in the middle of the night, neither am I neglecting my kids (just my laundry, most likely!).

Time

I don't know what's wrong with the time on this thing, and I don't have time to figure it out - my last post appears to have been published at 7:37, when in fact it's several hours later...

"I Love You!"

Yesterday was a better day than any we had last week, then for some reason things took a sharp downward turn around dinnertime, and at 8:30, when Dave called to say he was just a few minutes away, I was putting the kids (in their pajamas!) in the car to go for a drive. I just needed to be able to sit still for a few minutes, and to have them secured so THEY would be sitting still. It was very soothing, in fact, and Dave (who was really worried about me) did most of the laundry later in an attempt to prevent some sort of breakdown, I guess! This morning I considered the verse about anyone needing wisdom asking for it, and so I prayed fervently for wisdom. If there are some things that need to change around here, I'd like to know which direction to go in, rather than just sitting around feeling like I'm at my limit all the time. I already know that - and I don't want to dwell on it. (And perhaps the reality is that I just need to be stronger.) I'd like to know what else I should do instead.
BUT in the meantime, as I told the kids this morning, after a bad day, we wake up in the morning and start over. We are learning about the fruit of the Spirit, and so again this morning, we read over that verse and prayed together that we would each have love, joy, peace, etc., and it was a good day overall. Dave is gone tonight, and bedtime was a little stressful, but as Ryan was trying to go to sleep (correction - as I was trying to get Ryan to go to sleep) at one point he suddenly stood up and said, "I love you!" It was the first time he had every said that to me on his own, and it was so spontaneous and genuine and sweet it melted me in that instant. But as someone said, "There is no child so beautiful that is mother is not happy to see him asleep," or something like that, and I am relieved that all four of my beauties are sleeping now. :-)

School begins

Well, we began a little school this past week (our year-round schedules allows us to take several weeks off druing the year, as well as the months of June and December). Yikes! I worked hard to stick the schedule I had made for Aimee, and she loved it, even all the detailed little rules we had worked out, but it was hard on everyone else - as well as on my house! It didn't help that Chase hardly slept the first day, preferring instead to watch all the interesting activity that was new to him. Ryan was another big issue. I scheduled time before we began to play with him, hoping that he would be at least appeased during the times I needed to work with the older two, but still, as soon as I began any kind of instruction, he began to loudly demand attention. Because our new math books hadn't arrived yet, we played store for math first, and I thought he might have fun playing along, but no...and by our next subject, which was history, and Aimee's favorite, he was melting down. As I was reading the chapter for the day, standing up bouncing Chase in the sling, Ryan was really unhappy and practically screaming, growing louder each time I suggested he read or play. I was also losing Drew's attention, and he was getting loud (albeit more happily) and was becoming disruptive. So I was already faced with the dilemma I had all last year - should I stop, suggest Aimee do something else or finish what she can on her own while I redirect my attention to the boys; or should I stick to the schedule and just try to get through history by reading more loudly over the din, tending to the boys and putting the pieces of the house back together later? If I do the former, the route I think I chose most often last year, I risk an almost certain meltdown from Aimee within the hour, because she finds abrubt change overwhelming. No, I won't let her just get away with behaving badly, but I may end up spending a good portion of my day dealing with it. If I choose the latter, the destruction in the house may be overwhelmingly widespread and I have a miserable two-year-old who feels he needs all the more attention from me - in short, I am faced with a huge task by lunchtime and am very thinly spread. And actually in this case, things get so loud and out of order that Aimee may have a hard time concentrating on anything, anyway, so I find myself trying to achieve a delicate balance - keep things moving, but see that everyone gets just enough of what they need at any given time so that things are also not too loud and distracting. Yes, yes, yes, I know all the special activities homeschool moms are supposed to give preschool children, and every once in awhile I actually think it might be a good idea to let Ryan play with water in the kitchen sink or completely empty out the contents of the math manipulatives box all over the living room floor...!!!!! Anyway, on the day in question, after history we took a break to clean up and have lunch, and as I looked around and thought about everything, I had a teary meltdown myself. Not good for the first day! :-) I cleaned everything up and got everyone settled down, but it all fell apart again in the afternoon and Dave came home to a wreck! The next day began with renewed hopes and did indeed start better, but in the middle of math the realtor called and wanted to show the house after lunch. I looked around, looked at the clock, took a deep breath and said yes - then we cleaned for three hours!
So I don't know how it's all going to work, but I'm gearing up for next week and reminding myself today to give thanks in all things. I've also been stricken with the terrible thought that I've been living in such a vacuum this past year that I've almost forgotten to be looking out for anyone else. I need to work harder at getting things to my neighbors, most of whom are older and could use a visit now and then (maybe just with one child at a time, though!).

Item of Interest for the O'Rourkes - but Sad

Sophie, the ruluctant immigrant from my parents house, died yesterday. She had deteriorated rapidly, and I just made up my mind to take her to the vet as soon as I could when Dave discovered her last night. I feel sorry about that, but she was a pretty good age, and I imagine the transplant was just too much for her. At least I hope that's what it was, anyway. I really don't want our other cats dropping dead from some disease (although it's my opinion that because I allowed them to wean off their mother's milk naturally, which meant a matter of months rather than weeks, they have superior immune systems - and yes, I'm entirely serious!). That's the only part about having so many animals that I really don't like, of course, and usually around here they don't just die neatly, but there's always some added drama. Even when a neighbor's cat was hit a few months ago, we had to experience way more of it than we wanted, when Daisy got out and promptly brought it (totally flattened, mind you!) back in our yard, which the boys thought was hysterical. So the kids have been toughened up in this area, and at least that helps when something expires now. The boys even help with the burials. :-)

Tennessee

Well, we had a great time once we got up there (sitting in traffic for over thirty minutes in Asheville with a screaming and inconsolable baby was not so fun!). We went out on the lake Saturday with my mom, Aunt Debbie, Uncle David, and Patrick, Uncle Mark, Aunt Paige, and Collin, and my grandmother (known to the kids as "Grapes", which was toddler Aimee's attempt at "great-grandmother"), and that was as fun as it's always been. I wish my sisters and other cousins could have been there to complete the picture, though, and I really felt my dad's absence keenly, too (although I guess it would have been awkward for him - curse the day that became our reality!). Chase was more agreeable than one could ask any baby to be. He sat happily in people's laps most of the time without making a sound, nursed every once in awhile, and slept a little - from about 11 until 6! The other kids had a blast, too, although Ryan really doesn't like the water much. He was, however, extremely entertaining! Drew isn't much of a water person, either, but he did some swimming and tubing, and he seemed to really enjoy exploring as far as he was allowed to go every time we beached (my dad would have appreciated it!). Self-assured Aimee loved tubing especially - by herself and fast, she insisted - and had a good time overall, but she did come crashing down in flames from her camp high Friday, and we struggled with it off and on all weekend. We were so happy to see her, and she was happy to be back, but transitions definitely aren't her thing, and her difficulty with that manifested itself in both some predictable and mind-boggling ways. I didn't handle it as effictively as I could have, either - for one thing, the boundaries become a little blurry and I lose some leverage anytime we're somewhere other than home. Then also when I'm with family I tend to forget I'm a grown-up, and I become a little defensive and less confident at the same time. I know, though that I need to learn to strike the supreme balance in being confident of the parenting abilities I've gained in being the one who knows my children best, while also taking suggestions that may be helpful. Hmm...wonder if I'll ever really achieve that! :-) But balance is the thing, and a particularly challenging thing with Aimee. I realize that there are some pretty challenging obstacles she has to overcome, but of course in dealing with those she must still achieve self-control and a respectful attitude, as do we all. And that's the crux of the issue! I feel I am not just letting her get away with behavior we need a better grasp on and I'm not making excuses for her, and if if appears that I am at times, it may be because I already know what works and what doesn't. "You just need to [fill in the blank]" may not be as simple as it appears it should be. Especially with incidents in public, I feel like the best thing to do is avoid a showdown and save the bulk of the guidance and discipline for quiet moments at home, even though it then appears I'm letting really intolerable behavior slide. And what about that guidance and discipline? I feel like we really have learned some things that work, and if we can ease into school this week, I'm going to try to keep focusing on positive guidance. I'm going to try to enforce a fairly inflexible (reliable) schedule, because I know she thrives on that. I've tried to be more relaxed with this, because after all, it's homeschooling and we're just in the grammar stage, but apparently flexibility just makes things too uncertain and therefore all the harder for Aimee. I like schedules, too, so...whatever works! I know the boys won't really fit well into this, but at least Aimee can have something to stick to for herself. Though there will still be some consequences for bad behavior, as there must be, I'll try to focus on having her earn privileges with good behavior instead - starting from the ground up, instead of the other way around. I think that helps her focus on a positive goal and therefore may reinforce good and pleasant behavior all the way around. Of course that still leaves us with how to help her cope with bad feelings, changes in the plan, and dissapointments, etc. in an acceptable way. I think that's where we still need some extra help. I know that God didn't leave her with anything that would make it too hard for her to live the way he asks her to live, so we keep praying, and we do still see his hand and guidance in her and in our parenting.
Speaking of his hand, the soul that is Drew is still the most sensitive to him, I believe, and full of a great potential. Drew told me a few days ago, and indicated something like it later to my mom, that he is a prophet. We'll see, I guess, but wow - I'm always struck by the depth in his soul.
Back down to earth, we're still battling a nastty stomach bug from ten days ago. Ryan has been sick off and on, and poor Aimee was violently ill again this morning, after being completely well at camp. I'm sanitizing the whole house this morning!

Aimee's coming home!

We'll be getting Aimee back today, and I want to say, for the record, that I really am thrilled she had such a good time. I remember camp so well, and it was one of the highlights of my life. And while she's been gone, it's been fun to have a go with just boys, and neat to see Drew and Ryan become close, as usually Aimee and Drew are the pair, with Ryan as the third wheel. But we'll be glad to have Aimee back home, as apparently she has a somewhat civivlizing influence on these boys! Funny how in one sense things became louder and more boisterous with her absence, yet in another, we can feel a huge empty space where she ought to be. At any rate, Mom will be taking her up to Tennessee, where we'll be meeting her tonight to spend a weekend with some other family.

Feelings in turmoil...

Last night someone came to the door asking about the house - it seems he and his wife live nearby and want to stay in the same area. They sounded extremely interested in the house, and will probably come look at it more closely this week. That's exciting in one way, but discouraging in another. I started looking around the house and yard and thinking about how much I'm going to miss this place, especially considering all we may have to give up when we move. We haven't yet seen anything decent in our price range, much less as cute as this and with land and space for our animals (which I don't really want to give up after all, and I really had wanted to add a goat and some ducks, crazy or not!). Of course, I know God can bless us with a gem like this again, but will he, when there are so many perfectly good reasons we could be content with less? Having a place to live within our means is a necessity; having one that's comfortable, nice to look at, and suited to our hobbies and desires is a luxury. All the same, since we've enjoyed that luxury here, going backwards would be a hard pill for this frail human spirit to swallow. And thinking practically, going backwards and paying more for it would be really frustrating.
Also yesterday, my mom called from camp to say that Aimee was doing great and having a good time, with no problems. My first reaction was that I was so glad for her, the close second, I'm afraid, was that I thought that if Aimee had no "episodes" or issues at camp, it would appear that I was either the direct source of our problems here or that I was exaggerating them. Then a pang of guilt - shouldn't I just be happy she's having a good time?! What kind of mother am I, anyway? But it's not that I want her to have problems there at all - I want her to have blast, and in the very act of sending her, I was believing it would be good for her. I just don't want it to drastically diminish my credibility where Aimee is concerned. I know I'm not the best parent and I may not have perfect perspective all the time, but the issues we have with Aimee are not all in my head, and I still don't believe they're all discipline issues (though a few are, I admit). One thing Aimee certainly doesn't lack is self-confidence, so it would make sense that she wouldn't have any problems feeling secure at camp, and almost anyone could be generally happy and agreeable during a week full a organized fun and edification. And if sensory integration is indeed a problem for her, it would still make sense that she would be more in-sync and better able to cope at camp. The relative structure, the activities that keep her busy, and all the fresh air and exercise would help organize her senses and help her feel grounded, so that she could handle even things that she has trouble with ordinarily (even the eating, because I feel like someone might bring that up - I suspect that she really does have trouble recognizing hunger/full cues, but if her sensory integration is working better in general, this would naturally be better, too). She does, after all, have good weeks here, too, when things are just right, and it's not just when she gets what she wants; I've seen her be patient and helpful, too, in situations that are usually stressful for her.(Conversely, she has had incidents away from us, too, so it's not just that she's manipulating us or that we're easily manipulated!) And the fact that she's able to be calm and congenial at times would actually suggest that we are doing some things right, wouldn't it - that she is neither mismanaged nor inherently selfish. I am not trying to excuse myself by labelling her, but the bottom line is that inconsitency is a hallmark of SI dysfunction, so if that's what she has, it wouldn't be surprising that she would do so well at camp and exihibit none of her problem behaviors there. In fact, I have actually thought in the past few months that maybe being in a structured social environment with her peers (i.e. school) would be a great help to her. I'm very organized myself, but a house with three boys, especially when one is a baby, is just by nature loud and unpredictable, which could be overwhelming for someone who might have problems with sensory information! Of course that leads us to another problem - if camp proves that a more structured environment is one of the major solutions for Aimee, how are we to go about providing that, now that we've determined that school is really out of the question???? Significantly absent from camp, however, are scratchy clothes, paper (which is a major source of tactile irritation for her), and the need to sit properly in chairs for certain fine motor activities - all of which seem to contribute to downward spirals in Aimee's abilities to focus and cope. So I guess camp won't really tell us anything, one way or the other, and I should just be glad she's having fun and leave it at that! I feel I've justified myself to the air, though, so at least I feel better. :-)

Camp

Aimee went to camp for the first time yesterday, and all day I was driving Dave crazy by wondering what she was doing at any given time. Of course, that night, he began wondering the same thing, especially if she was doing okay settling down to sleep. I hope she so, and I hope she's having a great time this morning. She needs some fun and friends, without, as my sister joked, her mom and 'a piece of paper telling her what to do.' My penchant for ordering and listing everything is a heavy (but inescapable) burden sometimes even for me - it probably does weigh on Aimee, too. At any rate, I hope camp is a good escape for her and that when she gets back we'll all be recharged enough to start some school again next week. Yes, I have this funny notion that we're going to begin school in just a few days. There's a voice telling me that trying to do this while we are trying to sell a house - and while we have just barely recovered from the stresses of the last school year - is ridiculous...but I'm not listening. More compelling is that fact that I have planned this year-round schedule and must follow the plan. The most flexibility I can allow is that we will begin slowly, with just the basic subjects, and then rev things up to full speed in August. So in a couple weeks when I am tearing my hair out....but no, it won't do any good to remind me of anything! As a woman and a mother it is my lot to stretch and challenge myself to all possible limits, and there is no escaping that. :-)

Idendity - More than "just a mom"?

A new first-time mom recently asked me if I felt like I lost my identity in being a mother (especially of four, I guess). She was somewhat worried about losing hers in the seemingly all-consuming task of caring for an infant. If my identity is defined by my talents and skills and being able to continually cultivate them, then yes, I suppose that which is Anne is at least temporarily misplaced somewhere. And it is also true that I am currently defined by the fact that I'm the mother of four children, who are much more endearing and talented than I am and will probably always eclipse me in popularity. However, I told the other mother that no, I did not feel I had lost my identity. There is more to me than just a mother, and in fact, that which is me creates my particular type of mothering. I could get caught up in pouring myself into the talents of my children, but that would be just as bad for them - their lives aren't all about being all they can be just for the sake of it, either. I could, of course, become in very essence a homeschool mom, or an AP mom, or whatever - I could only read parenting and homeschooling books and devote myself to finding ONLY organic food and waging war against those dare cast a dissaproving eye of my parenting philosophies, etc. The fact is that I breastfeed my babies, keep them close, refuse to push independence on them, homeschool, and try to keep things fairly natural, but all that is because of who I already am, and that person is always growing and learning in every area. That person also still likes music, reading, history, and organizing just for the sake of it - although all that may be hidden behind the very obvious task of filling the needs of four little people. But there, even that job is who I am, because even as I was created for the glory of God, I live on earth to serve the needs of people, and that's what children are. They become the people who make the world go round and, hopefully, fill the kingdom. Raising them may be demanding and, coming back to the point, all-consuming, limiting my personal space and time for fun, but all that is sheer luxury that the vast majority of the humans who have lived on this world have enjoyed in very limited quantities. It's only our modern western culture that sees that kind of luxury as a right, and parenting as an optional choice. A longer time ago a friend and I were talking about Proverbs 31, and she mentioned that her mother, who I have always respected, thought that woman probably didn't do all those things all at the same time in her life. So remembering that I have tried to think of my life as a whole - for now I am defined, but not consumed entirely, by what I do and that is caring for children. Later that which is Anne will be expressed in different ways, just as it was before my mothering journey.

a test

This is the first blog attempt...